Village Square I
In our AcimVillage, we have the plane tree that stands in the central village square. Its enormous branches spread out to cover an area wide enough to provide shade on a warm day for many a traveller or tradesman. Water bubbles and trickles from a stone fountain on the eastern side. It is under the plane tree and by the fountain that wandering monks and sages have traditionally lead conversation with the local people, before setting off again on their way; it is here that the townspeople come to exchange views and thoughts on their beloved spiritual philosophy, learning from each other in kindness and wisdom.
Rules to ponder…
Study of A Course In Miracles benefits greatly from sharing our experiences in its practice. Here you can talk about what works, or doesn’t, for you, taking obvious care not to be ‘preachy’, please. We all learn best when someone talks from their own experience, rather than tries to tell us what we should be doing differently. Let’s take the position that none of us are teachers, we are all at the same point returning on the path Homeward. All of us will still be making mistakes for a while yet, so let’s be particularly humble and caring in how we deal with each other. Please keep in mind that this is a site dedicated to the approach Kenneth Wapnick takes to teaching ACIM. I shall certainly do my best to bring everyone back to the core principles as taught by him.
I would also like to point out that AcimVillage is the place to come to explore our judgments, but not to express them as judgments. If you feel you need to gripe, criticize and vent, even subtly, then contact me privately (at bernard@pauloandthemagician.com) where I will receive you with kindness and understanding. Please do not do so in the forums where I will inevitably moderate out this kind of post. Remember, you will feel better only when you are able to move past the investment in your judgments, not simply by unloading them for everyone to see. This means taking responsibility for your perceptions and acknowledging that ultimately no one has prevented you from feeling completely peaceful and safe, despite what might appear to be the unfortunate conditions of your life at this time. (I know, this is hard. Contact me if you’re struggling.)
So, two basic rules here. One, we avoid mention of other approaches to the study of ACIM (non-Wapnickian) as well as to other philosophies we might be studying. This is purely to achieve a stable, comfortable learning forum where we are all aiming at the same goal, using the same symbols and language to get there. This is not to cast any judgment on any other approaches or philosophies. ACIM is a sufficiently difficult path to undertake without bringing more confusion into our study than our minds already contain! If you have benefited from other paths and would like to share your thoughts, by all means do so. Just please do this in the privacy of your personal emails. It’s also my personal opinion (take it or leave it) that at some point a student of ACIM is much better off sticking with one set of symbols and one teacher, and working with these thoroughly, instead of getting too dispersed. Rule two, we try not to play ‘teacher’ with each other here, reminding ourselves to be humble and always equal with our brother.
Enjoy the discussion!
New Horizons
As of September, 2010, I’m proposing a direction for our study of the Course, which is to work together through Ken’s workshop The Meaning of Judgment. We’ll be using his transcript notes for this taken from the Foundation’s website (see link in the tool bar at the top of the page). Below you’ll find the notes for the section we’re currently working on. For previous sections, click on the ‘ACIM’ tab on the navigation bar, and then hover your mouse over the ‘Meaning of Judgment’ tab to choose the relevant section. I chose this particular workshop because it gets immediately into the real heart and practice of the Course while taking us through its basic principles at the same time. So, for those interested in finding out where the ‘rubber hits the road’, even though it might get a little confronting at times, then join us on this little adventure Homewards!
The Meaning of Judgment
Excerpts from the Workshop held at the
Academy & Retreat Center of the Foundation for A Course in Miracles
PART III
“THE FORGIVING DREAM” (T-29.IX), cont.
(3:1) All figures in the dream are idols, made to save you from the dream.
1. Everything we perceive and believe is outside us is part of the dream. These are the idols, and their purpose is to make the outside dream real to protect us from the dream within our minds, which we do not want to look at. Course students compromise this over and over again by trying in whatever way they can to make some aspect of the external dream reality. That is why many students place such great emphasis on seeing Jesus or the Holy Spirit as doing things for them in the world. That is a subtle way of making Them part of the illusion, whereas in the Course Jesus asks us to take the illusion to the truth, not to bring the truth to the illusion. We have a strong investment in making the outside dream real, because if it is real outside, we do not have to look at the dream within our minds. What better way to make it seem real than to have God or Jesus or the Holy Spirit operate in it?
2. That is why it is a mistake to confuse A Course in Miracles with New Age thought systems. The Course in no way compromises the truth that the entire physical universe is an illusion. But we want to make the figures in the dream reality, including the Holy Spirit and Jesus so we are protected from the underlying dream inside our minds.
(3:2) Yet they [all of these idols] are part of what they have been made to save you from.
3. These idols were made to save us from the idol we made within our own minds (the ego thought system) that says, “I have stolen from God and I now exist. I have what I have stolen. I no longer have to give it back, and I exist on my own. And now God exists outside me.” The ego begins with that initial thought of judgment, which is the beginning of the dream. It then becomes a full-blown dream within our minds that we are different from God, that we have stolen from God and sinned against Him. And our guilt over this now tells us God will punish us. This is the terrifying dream within our own minds. It is so terrifying that we do not look at it, but project it so that it now seems to be outside us. And anything that roots us further in the dream outside will nicely serve the ego’s purpose, even if it goes under the name of God, which is what religions have done for centuries. It is extremely tempting for people to do the same thing with A Course in Miracles — to bring part of the truth into the illusion, making the illusion real. If you do that, you will never get out of the dream, because you will not know it is only a dream.
(3:3) Thus does an idol keep the dream alive and terrible, for who could wish for one unless he were in terror and despair?
4. The “you” Jesus is referring to in these passages is the mind, the part of the mind that chooses — what I refer to as the decision maker. It is the part of our minds that has first identified with the ego thought system. It is a thought system of terror and despair that tells us we need to protect ourselves from the terror and despair by denying it, which means we would never look at it again. And then we project it and see it outside ourselves. That is why we need a world of specific people and specific objects. We project all of these thoughts of sin, guilt, and judgment so they are no longer seen within, but outside. As long as we believe in the reality of the idol, we will never know that the idol really rests within our own minds.
(3:4) And this the idol [anything in the world outside of us] represents, and so its worship is the worship of despair and terror, and the dream from which they come.
5. This is true for the idols of specialness we think are wonderful and make us happy as well as the idols of specialness we hate. Earlier in the text, in “The Obstacles To Peace” (T-19.IV), Jesus speaks about this in another form: “While you believe that it [the body] can give you pleasure, you will also believe that it can bring you pain” (T-19.IV-A.17:11). Pleasure and pain are opposite sides of the same illusion. Both of them make the body real because both say there is something outside us that can make us either happy or unhappy and bring us pain. The truth is that the only thing that can bring us happiness is choosing the Love of the Holy Spirit. The only thing that can bring us pain is choosing the ego. That is all. There is nothing else.
6. The lines here represent the same idea. That is why we become so invested in the world. It is easy to fall into this trap, even as a student of a course that teaches that there is no world, for we still believe that external behaviors somehow mean something. They mean nothing in and of themselves. Their meaning lies only in what meaning we give them. What is important is never anything external — not what bodies do or do not do — but our internal decision to choose either the ego and separation, or Jesus and joining. Once we focus our attention outside and believe what we do is important, helpful, healing, or loving, we are getting caught in specialness, worshipping the idol of specialness. We will think that we are serving a function of healing or love, but it really is an idol of despair and terror.
7. In worshipping the idols of specialness outside, we are worshipping not only terror, despair, and guilt, but the whole dream, of which terror, despair, and guilt are only components. We are worshipping the dream that we have what we have stolen from God and will never give it back, for now we exist as individuals on our own. We love terror, despair, and guilt, or we would not feel them all the time. We love them because they make real the thought of separation — the thought of the original judgment against God — which makes real our separate existence from God. That is why we have such a tremendous investment in our self-importance, in being a unique individual — it establishes that the dream is real. The state of terror or despair in our minds says the dream is real; the guilt and the sin are both real.
(3:5) Judgment is an injustice to God’s Son, and it is justice that who judges him will not escape the penalty he laid upon himself within the dream he made.
8. It is important to realize that the entire thought system of the ego is real within itself. It is not reality, but within the dream itself it is all very real. When we sleep at night and dream, we will experience the dream as very real. This entire world is a dream. As Jesus explains elsewhere (e.g., T-18.II.7-14), there is no difference between what we call our sleeping dreams and what he refers to as our waking dreams, such as we are experiencing right now. They are all the same — just different expressions of the thoughts within our minds. Within the ego dream, the fear of punishment is very real. Within that dream, our fear of experiencing harm — physical or emotional — is very real. We are not asked, as students of A Course in Miracles, to deny what our experiences are. We are asked, however, not to make these experiences reality. There is a crucial difference between those two approaches.
9. In other words, we all experience fear, and we believe our fear is due to something external to us that can impinge upon us. The ego interprets this as the wrath of God visited upon us — that is our experience. We may not consciously experience it as God’s wrath, but we certainly do experience fear as caused by something external to us. Remember, our own bodies are just as external to our minds as everyone else’s body is. But that does not make it reality. That is where the Christian Churches were mistaken; they took their experience of fear and wrote a theology about it. They said this is the reality of God: God sees our sin as real and has a plan to help us atone for it, basically a plan of murder. The plan then becomes one of suffering and sacrifice. If we believe we are sacrificing so God won’t be angry at us, then we will feel good about sacrificing. But that does not make it reality. Our experience is that the sun rises and sets but that does not make it reality. In reality, it is the earth rotating on its own axis that makes it appear as if the sun moves around the earth. And in fact, it is the earth that moves around the sun. Similarly, people may experience the Holy Spirit or Jesus doing things for them in the world, but that does not mean that they really are. Don’t confuse your experience with reality. The ego always interprets our experiences in order to construct a theology that serves its purposes, which of course is why we have the experience in the first place. Within our dream, whenever we make a judgment we are asserting that we are different from God; we have separated from Him, sinned against Him, and have stolen from Him. Our guilt over that will then demand that we not escape the penalty of God’s anger. This whole world, which is a world of change and death, then stands as the witness to the fact that what the ego has taught us is true. If our existence, which we call life, was ultimately stolen from God, then when God steals back the life we stole from Him we will be without life, which means we will be dead. That is the ego’s interpretation of our death.
(3:6) God knows of justice, not of penalty.
10. God’s justice of course has nothing to do with justice as we think of it. God’s justice states that nothing happened. If nothing happened, there is no guilt and no punishment. (3:7) But in the dream of judgment you attack and are condemned; and wish to be the slave of idols, which are interposed between your judgment and the penalty it brings. But we are not condemned by God. We are condemned by the projection of our own guilt, which makes up a God Who is angry. We then deny the whole dynamic and make up a world in which we are continually condemning and judging others, while believing they condemned and judged us first. But our judgment is within our minds; that is our guilt. We project it out and make up a world of idols that will punish us; and we actually think there is a world out there that affects us. This is all part of the dream, which seems very real from within the dream.
Zafu – It’s so lovely to see your pic xoxo
Robert… i am so sorry to hear that you broke your knees…. big hugs to you
a… i love you too you great big softie…
Mayor Bernard… it must be a lot of work typing out all these notes. I had been enjoying, up until my computer died, reading them while listening to Ken saying them…anyways thank you for going to all this work….
At the very beginning of this workshop, where Ken reminds us to not deny our physical existence, He refers to a conversation between 2 Course Students where one of them, voiced concerns about the Gulf War that was going on at the time. The other one replied that there was no war, it,s all an illusion yada yada…… That story reminded me of when i was in Temecula in March….. At lunch breaks, i enjoyed meeting new people and just socializing. Not once, but twice and with different people, during these polite and light conversations with perfect strangers at a Kenneth Wapnick workshop, i was “reminded” that it’s all an illusion, didnt i know { !!!}…. methinks once again that that false amigo, the ego, likes nothing more than to hide beneath our very noses….
gotta go time’s up xoxoxoxooxoxo
Oh but Winnie, you need to tell us what you answered LOL
Nina… i just looked dumb, a look i do very well……I have another story from March. One day i asked the lady sitting next to me, if i could take her to lunch, since Anne had to nip off somewhere. No sooner had we set out for the walk to the restaurant, than she began talking to me and telling me unbidden just what was wrong with me. She didnt know me from a bar of soap and i hadnt asked any questions at the workshop, so at first i was a bit taken aback.
Then i noticed that i started feeling irritated with her assumptive attitude, so while she talked, i asked to see this situation differently. Straight away it occurred to me that since i didnt understand anything or know anything at all, I had no reason to feel the way i did.
Then i noticed that my attitude to her seemed to change and i really opened myself to all she had to say. Nothing she said seemed to have any bearing on my script, but now there was an absence of feeling patronised.
I thought the whole time was going to be like that but shortly afterwards, she started engaging me in the conversation and we ended up having a lovely lunch and a lovely time.
When we got back to class, she kept sending me little notes asking me for advice about this or that which i thought was amusing considering how our relationship had started out just a few hours before… 🙂
Winnie: I just re-read your halloween post, and thanks again. It is really a gem. In one night you did all that Jesus asks us of. Be vigilant, acknowledge the inner bitch (namely the ego) and just look, without judgment, nor blaming. Oh man, really good stuff, and really enjoyable reading with your humor.
I liked both your stories at Temecula but this last one is really an example of what Jesus says, in the sense that we don´t know anything. When you met the woman you never thought you will be having lunch with her lovingly. Really amusing as you said.
anil, the first time I wrote this post yours was here and Winnies not, now your´s is not and Winnies yes, and mine not.
Hugs to all,
Lisi
I had this dream a few months ago and i have been wanting to share it with you.
It is night. I am on the side of the road with my dream lover. I think his name is Richard. We are on the edge of the mountain where i live. One car that goes past calls out something that freaks me out a bit. We walk away from the road and sit down in a little hollowed out area on the mountainside. Richard takes off his shirt and we start cuddling and kissing in an innocent way.
The very next thing that i remember is our “coming to” in a dark house way further down the mountain side. We are both naked and covered in bruises, wounds, cuts, gashes and scratches all over our bodies. I try to leave but the house is locked and then i become aware of the baddy whose house it is. He is in the dark just behind a glass wall and speaks menacingly. I am filled with fear and look back at Richard and then to the baddy behind the glass partition and to the door. I am so deeply shocked. My fear rises as the scene instantly replays. It is like i am watching an instant replay of about ten seconds duration that keeps replaying. My fear escalates into total terror, especially at the realization that i have not the slightest memory of how we got here. but still the scene keeps revolving as a i desperately look for a way out. Round and round my eyes scan from our broken bodies to the baddy and then round the walls in search of escape, only to come back to the view of our broken bodies. Every time i see them i am terrified and confused and still the scene keeps going around and replaying as if the room is entirely round and the scene and my eyes which seeme to be located across the room from my body are frozen in a time warp.
Then i hear myself say “i dont want to watch this movie any more”
Immediately i wake up. The same shock is still with me and now i am shocked further with the realization that the minute i uttered those words, i was out of the situation.
It is such a sudden transition and i am still fear-filled. I turn on the light and get out of bed and instantly think of my youngest, frightened that he may have experienced this kind of terror some times in his life. I am utterly astonished that i heard myself say the above words and upon uttering them, to instantly wake up. I think i am terrified to realize that i have the power to do that.
Still reeling with fear, i wonder what to do. It is the middle of the night and i definitely dont want to go back to sleep in case i might go back to the dream. I ask Jesus to help me. Straight away i decide i will face up to my fears by jove, and go back to the dream because i dont want to lose this oppportunity and with Jesus with me, i can not go wrong.
I go back to sleep and back to the dream. This time i am not afraid … at all… Now i notice there are other people who are also enslaved and more and more coming all the time. All of us are under the control of the madman. We spend all our time manipulating others and partaking in useless activities. Normal behaviour consists of constant acts of mild mutual torture. It is so mild we dont realize it is painful. When new people come under the madman`s spell, i do what i have to do with them, but it no longer bothers me inwardly and believe that my thinking that helps them somehow. Sometimes i forget, and find myself getting drawn in to the drama until i remember again.
The dream seems to last for the remainder of the night.
[When i decided that i would go back to the dream, it never even entered my head that i may not be able to do that. I had no doubt at all that i would, yet i was fully awake when i made that decision. Also at no time did this dream feel like a “movie”.]
big hugs to all…..
Short note: Nick and Heather have contributed notes at Jamie’s site from the current Ken workshop, Into His Presence Would I Enter Now. Enjoy.
WinWin that is powerful. Will be digesting it for a while. How did it feel writing it all out?
Annie
Winnie, I am so grateful for you writing this dream down, which is in truth the dream of us all. Being under the spell of the bad ego we are – and i wonder what it means to you that he was standing being a glass-partition…
I am so glad you went back into the dream. I have that experience too, many times: it really is possible, when i reallly mean it.
For me, it is not clear what the connection to the lovemaking with Richard is – and the rest, coming into ego’s domain – if it is not a memory of something that happened to you in this dream/life after you made love to somebody: some bad bruising by egos (your both)
and this: Normal behaviour consists of constant acts of mild mutual torture. “It is so mild we dont realize it is painful.” – what an awesome realization. We are so used to be beaten up that we minimize it constantly. And isn’t that what we learn from our parents – and friends: don’t be such a wimp/sissy(what have you. Shape up! I think that is the main prerogative of bodies: only the healthy ones survive.
Just now I sensed a sensation at my right ear – like a bug crawling – and immediately ran into a movie: spiders!! help!! and I said: I don’t want to have this dream anymore.
It felt very good, and I will ask Jesus to help me remember this within a night-dream – my right and ability to CHOOSE
thank you so so much for your dreams and your work
I love you Winissima
Nina
Winnie, no words, so a remarkable dream!!! The complete ego story in just one night, and most remarkable your answer: “I don´t want to watch this movie anymore!” All the description,and when you asked Jesus help, just beautiful. When I was reading the part you were in the dark house I began to feel scared and had an itchy sensation in my body. It was really weird. Also the part where you said that you decided to go back to the dream and you never doubt you could do it. You were aware that the power to be in the nightmare or out of it was yours. Oh, so many important things. Thanks Winnie for sharing all this with us, just loved it.
A big hug and much love,
Lisi
I have to say it was one of the most extraordinary experiences i have ever had. Annie,as i wrote it up the next morning i realized that i was observing the dream while i was in it, since i could see my body across the room, but i didnt realize that at the time, because i was so terrified i guess.
While i was in the dream the most terrifying aspect was not remembering how i got to the baddie`s house.
Then to hear myself say i didnt want to” watch this movie anymore” terrified me too because it wasnt me { my body} saying it…and then i was immediately awake and further terrified because i didnt know what the hell i was talking about….. it felt nothing like a movie, …. but by then my terror was realizing the power of my mind to wake up at an instant decision.
Ninarina… I have only once before tried to go back into a dream, and it took a few nights and happened about 30 years ago. I`m not given to psychic experiences so my assumption that i could just go back to sleep and enter the same dream was really weird. I think the glass partition represented my being able to clearly see my ego but also that it cannot hurt me. I think the way the dream started was just symbolic of special relationships that seem to be so loving and innocent, but which end up taking us further down the hill into darkness. Each step we go down we forget what went before. The bodies being naked and bruised etc, i think represents the uncovering of the truth that special relationships just hurt us…I love you too babe xoxox
Big hugs and much love to you dearest Lisi….
Pumpkins, I would so love it if you sent me some lovin this way today. I havenæt slep at all for stom,ach pains, wnt to the doctor who sent me to the hospital to ultrasound – it looks OK, but still feels awful and hurts like hell both front and in the kidneys. So there were these superkind and gentle people – one nurse found me a bed behind curtains in the hallway, and as I tried to nap she got me my appointment 1/2 hours sooner, and her smile was precious.
I just need to write something positive down here or else I seem to drown in pain and sickness and sleeplessness. Shamelessly complaining I am.
Oh well.
{{{Nina}}} Have a sip of some Sleepy Time Tea. And if you can’t drink it right now just let the warmth of the cup move through you. Finding the positive is the perfect antidote, you are well on your way to feeling better.
Nina, a big warm blanket and hug for you in your miserable day. I’m sure Annie’s sleepy time tea will do wonders for you.
I’ll have to get around to commenting on everyone’s great posts recently. I’ve been a little preoccupied lately, which I’ve written about on the Village Bulletin Board (home page). Have a great day, everyone!
Nina-love and hugs to you. Sometimes, (this happened to my husband) the pain goes away….as quickly as it came. I hope this happens for you. In the meantime, I agree with Annie’s excellent advice. I’m glad you found the medical people helpful and kind….continue to reach out for them, as well as do anything that will seem to make you feel better on the level of form. I will look forward to hearing how much better you feel soon, dear one.
Bernard, thank you for your honest post. It is a mirror for my experience with this forgiveness process. What *I have looked at with Jesus, most times, sometimes not, when my choice for the ego seems to happen w/out my being consciously aware of this, has been unbelievable. What a vicious horrible person *I am, the ego tells me….until I “step out” and watch in neutrality aka w/J/HS. I am shown over and over, that the choice for the ego is 100% hate – and when that choice is made in the decision making mind, *I become and act out the belief system chosen. I have realized, lately…that there is Love, not of this world, the memory of which is in my right mind, that awaits my choice. When *I choose that memory, in my right mind, I become that belief system as well. When *I do not choose the right mind, when I can watch w/J/HS, *I realize, that I am just too resistant, terrified, to be sure….and when *I can ask J/HS to please be my Teacher, in yet another class that is very difficult for me, and continue to “chop wood and carry water” there is a wonderful lesson learned….and….most importantly, I continue to learn that *I can move through the resistance and terror to the Love, not of this world…. I am trusting more, which comes as a result of the “mighty companions” of the experience of choosing my right mind.
Oh dear, I’m blah blahing again 😉 so will just say hi and love to all, feel better soon, dear Nina, and thank you, Bernard for articulating “my” process, which shows me that none of us are ever alone.
PS *I is a reminder to myself, that *I am a decision making mind dreaming I am a body. 😉
{{{{Nina}}}} Enveloping you in my arms while you are sipping Annie’s tea. This comfy blanket from the Mayor will keep you warm. Soon you will be just right.
Much, much love, Lisi
{Nina} – are you back home now ? hope the pain passes sooon, like in Melody’s husbands’ case. hope you get some deep rest, dear friend. lots of love, a
Bernard: Thanks for your honesty and for unfolding before our eyes our very process. As for you these lasts weeks have been like hell. I have been working through this second part of MOJ and is taking me really deep inside, where I promised never to look again. I began some weeks ago to put in practice what Ken´s talk about in his last workshops, namely, “make it all about them and not about you”, but, of course, in content, not in form. This, combined with the MOJ has raised in me deep hidden chunks of guilt that I don´t even remember but now I know, for sure I was keeping them dearly to use them against my “beloved ones” at the right time. Startling discovering of how much I don´t want to make it about the other person but about myself. And so true what you say about I wanted to make my forgiveness work in order to feel peace and feel good HERE as this individual self I think I am and not in reality because I wanted to disappear in God´s heart. But as you say these are good news, at least now I know how much I don´t want to make it about the other person. At the same time I am very vigilant of the cost, the price I am paying for holding onto my specialness and hope soon I will be nauseated of all this. In the meantime I have had some peaceful and loving moments when no matter what happens outside I remember to hold Jesus´ hand and experience that the only thing I do want is holding his hand, and in those moments peace a really wonderful peace arise. Thanks again.
Great day for everyone and lots of hugs,
Lisi 🙂
Bernard, Could you post the rollercoaster here also for ease of reference while replying?
I have been in much the same kind of place as you discribe. I’m very fuzzy mentally right now. Numb and stiff physically. But I know that the Course and Ken say that this is the way it is that first you have to experence the ickkyness of the ego mind before being able to move beyound it. It is as Ken says making the gap smaller between the decision and feeling the consiquenses instead of making the descision and instantly submerging the ickky feelings into the subconsience where we can’t feel them or connect them to the cause as easily. You need to get it up front and in your face then give it to Jesus and then he can lead you through the illusion to the other side so to speak. Not sure if I put any of that very well. Words are so awkward.
Winnie, I have read and reread halloween and your dreams many times; get something new or deeper each time. thank you for posting them.
Nina have been having terror and pain at night that sounds a lot like yours also. It’s a dark night of the soul, soon we will make it to the light that never ends ; I know this in my heart of hearts.
there are a millon things to say but the words are just all jumbled now so there isn’t anything to say just let it be for now. HUgs for all.
Bernard, I think the line you talked about is in Chapter 3-II.1:5, “It is essential that you realize your thinking will be erratic until a firm commitment to one or the other (light or darkness) is made.”
Hugs, Lisi
Dearest Nina…. i am just giving you a big soft gentle hug right now. We love you so. I do hope your tummy has settled down now.
Bernard i think the things i love about you the most are your humility and honesty…heck i think that`s what we all share, here at the Village. If it were not so, we would not be Wapnickians. Our earnest sincerity must lead to brutal self-honesty. How wonderful that we all have each other to comfort and to talk about the mechanics of our insanity; that which we could not possibly discuss with the non-likeminded….For sure they would send the men in white coats to take us away.. tee hee
Big hugs to you Pammikins…. and to all at our dear little Village
Bernard, I am right on that rollercoaster with you – been there al, my life, it seems – these peaceful days and moments, and next day hatred so violent that I believe I am doomed for ever.
Just had an email session with jamie. I had told him that I felt such intense hatred for a spiritual teacher that it scared me – and Jamie wrote: “Try not toworry too much about hating the nice dancing lady. The Course says frightened people can be vicious.You are frightened right now, but it’s not a sin. So there it is again for me, this important reminder: it is not the hatred that is the problem, the problem is my belief that it is serious and sinful and i will go to hell for it. And there is where my fear of death comes in.
I just know that I love you, Bernard. And since I am not really here, this love must be something you feel for yourSelf – am I right?
*
Thanks a lot for all your love coming this way to my poor tummy. The worst pain is gone – at least when I sit up – but there is still a lot of acid, which is new and a bit worrysome.
Oh and my sweet doctor was on the answeringmachine – “Just wanted to ask you how you are.” Strange from a doctor, but rather nice.
Going to bed and sleep, I hope
y’all warm me so
{{{{big embrace for the Village}}}
and when I am restituted, I will teach you a wonderful Sacred Dance called “The Wise Man and the Fool.” In it . thr wise mans steps are deliberated and clam and clear – he knows where he is going and goes there – but the steps of the Fool are so much more enjoyable – sure we do love our insanity :-)! He dances in a syncopated rhythm, travels backward and around himself – but when we will dance those steps, we will laugh a lot. Guaranteed. See you at the Village square hopefully soon then – we will make a big circle and dance around the big Platan there.
Natti
Rufus come here
ahh there you are. So warm – and so lovely purring
Thank you all so much for your kind and supportive thoughts. I knew I was sharing this at the right place! There have been so many wonderful comments lately, it’s hard to mention all the thoughts that this brings up. A little like Pam when she says,there are a million things to say, words are so awkward. But I’m reading everything diligently and allowing myself to be nourished deeply by your wisdom.
I would still like to put Winnie’s fabulous dream on the home page just to make sure occasional visitors get to benefit from it. And also Nina’s story on the bus should go up there, too (thanks for that great story, Nina). I’ll get around to it soon.
Bernard….and other friends, Thank you all for your relentless honesties, for your unflinching exposure. It just occurred to me that I should not be surprised that we find so many of us share the mental fuzziness and insanity. We are one, after all. The Beatles’ song, “I Am the Walrus,” has popped into my mind will probably remain there for the remainder of the day….”I am you and you are me….”
Bernard’s description of how it is when the guilt becomes unbearable that he seeks the balm of the Course was comforting: I am not alone. I am reminded of a time in my life, many years ago, when I sought solace in copious quantities of alcohol. When my body revolted and purged itself of the poison, I prayed to the porcelain god, “Get me out of this one & I’ll never do it again.” Keep in mind that I was young and despised that judgemental but omnipotent god of my understanding. (And in the interest of disclosure, earlier this week I observed the 22nd anniversary of life without alcohol. It has been a glorious journey. Hope I am not breaking any of the Village guidelines here.)
But I digress…..As Bernard said, well, I must like my insanity, too. I sometimes find myself plagued by unrelenting thoughts of blaming and anger and self-pity–and I refuse to let go it them. I am RIGHT, gosh-darnit! And then! I try to organize my thoughts into those that I can observe and relinquish, and those that are so necessary & complex that I must retain & give my undivided attention. I must think that I am very powerful…..Here, Spirit, you can have these, but these other ones require my expertise……
But I get glimpses…..little moments of hope that perhaps I am not hopeless. Yesterday was a holiday here in the US, I had a day off of work, and I braved the crowds for a shopping excursion. Instead of judging those people who do not drive as well as I, instead of condescending to the tired and impatient Mother who screamed at her child, I observed moments of at-one-ment. I recalled when I had lost myself in traffic or when I had been pushed beyond rational behavior and vented upon those around me. And I had moments when I knew that we are one, that we are more alike than we are different. And I found comfort, suspended in timelessness. I found Love and joined with Spirit. So thank you all for what you have shared, for reminding me of what is meaningful, and for the gentle prod that my upsets are illusions that keep me in the insanity. And when I recall that I can forgive.
Murril, some really lovely thoughts in your post, especially at the end. But I really laughed out loud with this: “I try to organize my thoughts into those that I can observe and relinquish, and those that are so necessary & complex that I must retain & give my undivided attention. I must think that I am very powerful…..Here, Spirit, you can have these, but these other ones require my expertise……” Oh, sooo true! Hey, HS, don’t you fuss, I can handle this one. Oh, yeah, right.
Murril – you took me a place of hope and peace with that beautiful post. Thank you.
Last weekend I spent 2 days getting honest with myself doing “The Work” with one of Byron Katie’s facilitators. During the second day a remarkable thing happened. I was really able to listen to what other participants were saying. Reading the notes from Ken’s workshop I would say I was with them without my “NEEDS” along. All we did all weekend long was look at the judgements we make about others and then about ourselves. Just look!!!
(for myself I imagined I was looking with Jesus)
From “The Forgiving Dream” (T-29.IX)
10. So the judgments I make against you, making differences important and real, are really a projection of the judgment I have made against myself for making the difference between myself and God real. And I persist in holding judgments against you because that protects me from really looking at the judgment I have made against myself.
Since then I’ve been on the rollercoaster. I’m amazed at my resistance to looking, very addicted to still being right. And what do I get for it? The very familiar feeling of being separate.
Great post on your process Bernard. Blessings Everyone
Murrill- ditto on the quote Bernard chose. I instantly recognised the behavior and starting giggling only to start laughing out loud when Bernard picked up on it too. Oh dear, the insanity is real very comical once we get past the bruised ego. I loved the way you shared your troubled heart with kindest toward yourself and others. I feel that peace too that Anil is talking about.
“I am the walrus goo goo g’joob”
Blessing to you Bev. Two days in a row of honesty is some heavy weightlifting. I’m not ready for that weight class but have engaged in some serious judgement workouts myself… I think those Skype sessions have opened up something. Probably the reasons for some of the physical pains/hospital visits/writers block/going on these days. What keeps me going is the simple honesty of everyones postings. I don’t share all my fears but I see they are one and the same with yours. You all inspire me.
Waiting now for the Blue Butterfly to pass thru ….
Bernard ~ I can relate to every single line of your honesty post. Since toward the end of last July I have been dealing with my chosen script of a life shaking- financial quaking – possible very scary consequences down the line scenario that I haven’t revealed and still choose not to go into. The weight of it is in my heart this morning. I’ve sought and do find solace some escape in just being here and now, and balancing the action of seeking more work, perhaps new work. I have an interview with an agency this afternoon and hope to shake off the underneath depression and anxiety I feel this am so it’s not in the room with me.
The upside to any and all circumstances has been support of the truth in our Course path of undoing and looking, and the community of our like minded Villagers and the community of all of us insane brothers and sisters and seeing no differences. My only choice is purpose and my only function to FORGIVE. It is sanity to honestly see my resistance to my only purpose and my only function. I do welcome seeing my unrelenting judgement, and wonder if I’m asking for Holy Spirit and Jesus’s hand to hold me while I look enough.
Today I am living in a radiant free space, after yesterday’s descent into pain-and-confusion hell. I am copying this day’s blog here – and for the ones of you who read my saga of yesterdays suffering and are tired of that, please scroll down.
Today I feel clear, calm, present with abundant energy, overview, gratefulness.
Yesterday I was violently sick in my stomach, hardly dared to breathe. My always kind and helpful and smiling doctor sent me to the hospital for ultrasound.I arrived 3 hours earlier than my appointment – no use to go home and back – completely washed out from not sleeping the whole night before and the constant raging pains, so I asked a nurse if she could find me a place where i could lie down until my turn. She promptly found me one, and half an hour later she told me it was my turn – and it was half an hour before my appointed time! “Did you do that for me?” I asked her, and she smiled so sweetly, my god, what an angel.
I felt 10% better than in the morning. Still pains were unbearable, but her intervention had helped: now I knew there were good forces involved in the process, which meant that I could trust it.
I thought I would take a bite to eat, and went to the cafeteria, and had a nausea coming up that blocked me out for a mini-second then sent me to the toilet to throw up – but it was false alarm. Food was out of the question.
At home, I went straight to bed. I played beautiful music and took one breath after another. Dosed off in periods. Woke up by the answering machine, hearing my doc’s voice: “It’s only Dr.S. Just got your results of the blood tests. All is well. I just wanted to ask you how you are, nothing else.”
His voice made me cry – the warm consideration and care in it. He didn’t have to call, and he did.
Now a new symptom came up – acid reflux. I almost never have that, so I took it as a sign that there was a valve that had not closed properly. Did the right energy medicine procedure, and mailed all my friends in the Village (www.thevillage.com) and asked them to send loving thoughts. They did. I had a sense that this reflux was nothing to worry about, the inner disaster-maker was not given belief. Slept in periods – and woke up to a new life this morning.
I also woke up to a new structure for my book – and life-project: “When Fear Come Home to Love” which started about 17 years ago. This has been extremely difficult to structure: it is a compilation of my own and my students stories and experiences within a syndrome I have found and named “The Jekyll and Hyde-syndrome”, where I wanted to include case-stories, theory, creative products and autobiography. It is also a study in how to use the Course-teachings to unravel the very structure of what is “named” evil – whivh is the same as our projections of the most fould and vicious in the mind.
The material grew over my head already years ago. Today I saw the structure clearly: the figures in the tree ( see draft of The Image in the link on the blog) shall have each one chapter, where I will only have the stories which have the greatest potential for describing that figure: psychologically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually – and the rest of the stories will be collected in my autobiography – and this biography will include part of this blog. This will at last give me opportunity to find the darlings I have to kill, to save the material from growing too much.
Murril, Congrats. on the 22 years. Not breaking any guidelines that I am aware of. I started Alanon in 1990;did 2 meetings a week for 13 years. HUGS
Thanks, Pam….always good to hear from a kinred soul: Take away the alcohol and we all look alike, don’t we?
Bernard, trying for a while now, van’t get into the birthday-room – it only shows the pictures and nothing more. Maybe we need a birthday room nr II too?
Michele la belle…Right now i am just giving you a big fat snuggledy hug !
Murril: Yup, we all do. And take away the bodies and we are just one.((-;
…and we are all together…coo, coo, kachoo
Dearest Nina … thank you so much for letting us know how you have been getting on. I am glad you are feeling a bit better . I love the way you are so grateful and i think it`s wonderful that out of this chaos was birthed the structure of your new book:)
Murrill, i loved reading your post…big hugs from sister walrus
and Bev i enjoyed this -> “I was really able to listen to what other participants were saying…….. I would say I was with them without my “NEEDS” along.”
love to all xoxoxoox
“What keeps me going is the simple honesty of everyone’s postings. I don’t share all my fears but I see they are one and the same with yours. You all inspire me.” Thanks for voicing out for me Annie!!!
Fluttering by…….
Michele love. keep the Faith. Joining Winnie in a snuggledly hug.
Leni, do come in and say hello to me and my cat Rufus in the little cottage close to the big tree and the h u g e sunflower-field. We would love to have a blue butterfly-being visiting…well, I think you had to change yourself into something a little bigger, though – Rufus is a wild catcher, and I personally would like you to come with your famous great smile ( I so remember your photo from the old galleries at Jamie’s)
For one of those weird technological reasons, some comments were placed in purgatory waiting for admin’s holy authorization. Leni’s two posts were part of that group. She posted her comments yesterday so I changed their time stamp for today so we wouldn’t miss them. Rick said hello a few days ago at the old Paulo site, and his post had to be re-submitted.
Bev, I loved your post, and this: “I’m amazed at my resistance to looking, very addicted to still being right. And what do I get for it? The very familiar feeling of being separate.” That just says it all… the familiar feeling of being separate. And yet at precisely the same time, we’re not separate at all – it’s just our mind still choosing to focus in one direction rather than another. And to think that we’re getting there, one tiny step at a time. We really are.
Watch out, Annie! Learning by osmosis is the deepest learning. It kind of gets you while you’re not looking. Who, me? I’m not learning… No, don’t think I’m studying this stuff at all… Then, ooooohhhhhhh! It’s in the air all around us here in the Village. It was programmed into the site, it fills our senses and thoughts while we think we’re goofing off. It’s really hanging around in the sunflower field that does it. Staring up at that blue sky, watching those (blue) butterflies flutter past, catching Rufus snoozing in a patch of sun under the Great Oak. The peacefulness and honesty of all the folks who come here, it just rubs off on us all, don’t you think?
What a great post, Michele. This is a tough ol’ school sometimes, eh? Your words, “I do welcome seeing my unrelenting judgement,” wow, way to go. But not easy, I know. That’s when I’ve had to hold my judgment and condemnation in one hand, and literally hold out my other hand in mid-air and say, “I take your hand, Jesus, in the other.” And so I hold my judgments in one hand and his in the other. And even though it’s just symbolic, I do feel better, as if there isn’t just my condemnation present. There is always something else there. Whatever insanity and scariness is going on, somehow it has been my choice, just a way I chose to protect myself, and I need no longer protect myself in this way. I can learn to accept Love slowly, especially if it is accompanied by a big, friendly smile. Keep us up to date, please.
Nina, freshening up your blankets (I aired them in the sun today, together with a real down quilt that someone had embroidered with “Love from the Village”). The book sounds great, but what an enormous project. Hope to see it published soon.
Murril – all dependencies are welcome in this special Village, because it’s designed for all of us who are self-admitted guiltaholics. We’re all of us aware of our addiction to judgment, specialness and guilt, and we’ve all taken a vow to giggle and smile at our silly choice a lot more. And we’re all getting there. One day we’ll be able to say, “One hour without separation and judgment – YAY!”
There is that pretty blue butterfly fluttering by….Hello Leni.
So glad Bernard rescued you…I was wondering if you would show (:
Let’s go sit with Lisi, mmmmm yellow & blue butterflies make me smile (:
me too ! I love the yellow and blue butterflies that fly so softly around our Village…. { goes off giggling to think we have a Place of Purgatory here }
Wow! One day out of the Village and a mountain of posts on my return. Have to sit down and read calmly.
I had a “surprising?” event yesterday. An unexpected phone call. When my cell rang, no name but a number, but the area code was the one in which my best friend (since school days) live, so I happily answered: “Hi dear”. The answering voice was not hers but a voice I did not identified at the first moment. And she said: “Lisi, is me Ingrid.” In that moment all hell was unleashed. Well, Ingrid is my “sister”, in Spanish we say “media hermana” I don´t know if in English you say “half sister?”, because she is my father´s daughter but she is not my mother´s. She is the daughter of the BITCH. I already told you that my parents divorced when I was a 7 year old child. After the divorce he married the bitch and had a daughter with her, my half sister, Ingrid. We never met each other until adulthood because her mother never wanted that she met us, (I have two more sisters). At the end of his life, my father with a bad emphysema decease came to live with me for his four last years, because I live near the sea and that what good for his health. So finally, we met. Ingrid came down here to visit our father.
We had a superficial relationship on those occasions. For four years we talked “nice” to each other but for sure hating each other. After my father died, ten years ago, I never met her again. We only had a few phone calls that as time passed by completely stopped. Every time she came to mind I just tried to block her out.
So, the moment she said: “Lisi,I am Ingrid,” literally all hell was unleashed. I began to feel and acute pain in my chest and stomach and the figure that came immediately to mind was the BITCH, namely, her mother. In that moment, as if I was watching a film, all my childhood passed in front of my eyes and all the “terrible things” she has “done” to us as well. A huge pile of resentments began to grow and I began to judge her thinking all sort of terrible things about her, and the last thought before I began to look was “I hope she is dead by now.” In that moment the real looking began. It was really weird because the internal agitation ceased, the pain in the chest and stomach disappeared, and I just began to watch all the judgements and horrible thoughts and wishes I had toward her. I just was watching without any additional feeling, and in a moment I even feel amused because at the same time I was watching the movie in my mind I was talking to Ingrid “normally.” The best was the last thought: “undoubtedly we both are the same BITCH, and it is okay.”
I don´t know what is going to happen in the future but at least in this moment the experience that we are not different but the same, it is a very peaceful one. The course works. We are not many, we are just one.
The MOJ is making its labour. When I hung up, I remembered what I just read two or three days ago: “There is a part of us, no matter how much we have studied this Course and claim we believe it, that does not believe this world is a dream. And we can recognize this to the extent that we watch our minds fill with judgments; all the little things of the world that we are attracted to; all the petty hates and grievances that we hold on to; all the petty things we hold up as symbols of injustice…All of these thoughts make it very clear how much we do identify with this dream and make it reality.”
Well now, serving a cup of coffee Annie left here for me and beginning to read all your, I am sure, wonderful posts.
Lots of hugs to all,
Lisi 🙂
Lisi, wow. It felt like I was right in there with you, looking. I feel that this post will help a lot of us getting in touch with old hatred and just look, as you did. Thank you a million for sharing, and for all the details. So helpful.
Natti dear Lisi and all
Nina
Hello to All…what a great mix of posts the past two days…butterflies and physical ailments (glad you feel better, Nina!) and cameraderie (Murril and Pam) and Winnie and Annie huglets…and Bernard wisdom and Lisi judgment in action. I feel like I have wandered into the Village, upon a beautiful, idyllic and pastoral setting and then blinked and saw that while I enjoyed the softness…that there are threads of lessons underlying what seems to be there. And now someone whispered in my mind, “Anyone with ears better listen!” Stream of consciousness judgments accompanied me all day. Such silly stuff. Vain imaginings and recent past events and future planning. I swear I’m going to count the judgments one of these days just to point out to myself that there are so MANY…many repeated, the same ones over and over. Had a nice nap this afternoon with J holding my hand
and curling another arm around me so that I felt like encased in a warm cocoon. All the while, we looked at judgments and how they represent my fear of love. Very thankful that we all are assured we will never be without comfort.
Hugs!
Oh Lisi that is so wonderful !!! I just loved it especially the bit just before you started looking where you wished the bitch was dead. Since our ultimate goal is to kill off every body, you went fearlessly to that goal after which the ego had nothing left to offer, and there was Jesus` hand waiting { happy sigh}…..In just one phone call so very much was accomplished, and accomplished so gracefully….
Like Nina i felt like i was right there with you too and then when i read your post Laura, i felt so connected to you that i swear i was “encased in a warm cocoon” too.
Big loving hugs to you dear Bernard for providing us with this wonderful Village xoxoxoxoxoo
I’m going to have to add my “wow” to this string. Thanks, Lisi, just fabulous. And, like Laura, I also caught my breath when you said those ego-magical words, “I hoped she was dead!” I mean, talk about honesty. My personal belief is that it’s so important for all of us to face that exact same thought that’s in all of us, and we can think it about anyone, even people we know we love. Anytime we think that there would be some advantage to our lives if such and such person wasn’t there to stop us from doing something, or wasn’t there to judge us or influence us, well, the ax falls! Chop – off with their heads! It’s the ultimate ego-insanity, like my life would be different if this person no longer existed. As if that could really make a difference to the peace available in my mind. You really carried all of us along with you with your stream of thoughts, I felt like I was there with you, chopping heads on one hand, and holding Jesus’ with the other, looking at my craziness. So great. Can I put in on the home page?
What the Bitch isn’t dead?! That was my first thought after reading your post Lisi. I wish I could say I joined you and Jesus there watching the phone converstation unfold from an objective point of view. But I was caught up in the story wanting more details. Why did Ingrid call? How did she feel when you answered “Hi dear” knowing it wasn’t intended for her but maybe secretly wishing it was. Did she relish stealing that greeting from you or has a seed been planted for both of you that its just that simple to answer with love? How dare she be the one to present that point of view. It should have come from one of us in the Village not from the Villian.
But that’s how it is. Our “special relationsips” are sometimes those we don’t necessary want to include in our lives yet they have our personal cell numbers. Gee whiz its happening twentyfour seven those ‘Calls from Hell’. Jesus is like the great friend who lets us know there’s a service called Caller ID. So worth our time and money to sign up for. No need to be surprised. There is also a service that will block calls so these kind of interferences can be minimized. You get I’m speaking metaphorically here Lisi not pertaining to your situation. It just got me thinking how I used to have judgements about having such services thinking that they are rude and judgemental. I felt I should be open and loving to all calls. But what if my goal is to go home to my Father in heaven and the detours I keep encountering don’t expediate that goal. Then its not judgement but discernment to choose not to engage. To not pick up every phone call, to let the voicemail pick it up or to ask to be put on the no call list, would be a loving act, right?
I often struggle between the two concepts of discernment and judgement. Or am I splitting hairs here? I feel like the first step is to sit and observe but at some point in this reality I’m going to have to act. All I come up with is that which Gary Renard refers to as just be normal…do what feels ‘right’ and let it go.
I too feel grateful for this space to write out loud and be heard.
Thank you friends for listening and sharing your worldly encounters.
Please leave a message after the beep (:
Lisi’s post on the home page should read “Call from Hell… or Heaven?” but for some strange reason, I can’t access that page on the control panel today to change it. But I thought mentioning Heaven was kind of important. After all, how would Lisi have known about all this muck if her half-sister hadn’t called. It seems she is feeling much better for having begun the work of seeing the whole thing differently. So could we then maybe say that Ingrid unknowingly gave her a gift? What do you think, Lisi?