Garden
The Quiet Garden of Forgiveness
Love, too, would set a feast before you, on a table covered with a spotless cloth, set in a quiet garden where no sound but singing and a softly joyous whispering is ever heard. T-19.IV.A.16:1
“There is a garden at the foot of this lovely statue with masses and masses of soft white lilies and little paths between to slowly walk and talk with Jesus. There is a fountain nearby and the forever trickling sound of water reminds us to leave the desert of wrong-minded thinking.” (Winnie)
Forgiveness is truly at the heart of the practice of A Course In Miracles. All of us have had moments of shifting our perception of a difficult situation, and finding peace. On this page I offer you the space to tell us about the stories that have stayed in your mind, times when you felt a real change occur in the way you were looking at a problem or upset. Maybe you were encountering aggressiveness in somone, or were being judged and belittled. Perhaps it was a loved one who had left you, or even a pet that had died. Or maybe there was fear, a threat in your life to you or to a loved one. In all these situations, at one time or another you have found peace beyond the pain, release from shame and sadness, and comfort and freedom in their place. There was always a presence there with you, the company of one who loves you and guides you to see differently. If you have had moments of finding that clear presence, please share it with us here.
A little more technically speaking, these would be moments when you reversed the projection and saw that the problem was not outside you, but with you, your perceptions and thoughts. A sudden moment of clarity perhaps when you saw that the upset was having pushed Love away, and not really what was happening outside you. Or perhaps it was just a moment when despite the upset or problem, you felt safely accompanied and that helped you remain unaffected by the problem, to get a little distance from it.
Please try to write concisely if your story requires a lot of explaining (and teach me something about brevity!). Also, please try to share from the heart and not from the head. It is always nice to hear the simple sincerity behind these inspiring stories.
I know you all know I meant Osama not Obama. LOL. Oh well, Obama, Osama….
Hi All. Thank you, Leni. Your article was very thought provoking and fits with Osama/Obama as well as McVeigh. It is all the same. Today at the FACIM study group we discussed this past weekend and Elizabeth brought home how the Royal Wedding on Friday (special love) was the other side of the same coin of the murder of Osama on Sunday (special hate!). I found this so interesting to think about and thought you all might appreciate how these two symbols hit us in one weekend!
Love,
Jean W.
Leni – I thought you meant Obama (:
just kidding (: – in case, it’s not apparent above. Many smiles to you, and thanks for sharing that article.
Nina and Leni, deep, deep stuff! I was provoked by Nina’s article and the quote she chose from the Workbook. Still thinking about it. And Leni’s article asks so many good questions. Underlying all, that Love, so constant, allowing us to question, and then we quietly turn toward it, peaceful and content.
Thanks Leni and Nina for both your posts. Really a lot of things to think about.
Love,
Lisi
Bernard, provoked how? I hope you will share.
Love
nina
I moved my ponder#724 from the fireside(2nd page)to here to expand on the last question.
homeless people…..an out picturing of my inward misperception because I mistakenly bought into the idea that I am homeless(not in heaven)and depending on which “version” of my ego story I wish to indulge is how I “feel” about giving or not. Am I giving money or food because I feel sorry for myself unconsciously?.. Am I feeling guilty for acting in such a way as to have gotten myself kicked out of heaven and I’m trying to make up for it?.. Am I angry because I’m feeling manipulated by God?.. Am I trying to manipulate God?..Am I not giving because I’m trying to punish them/myself?…Am I trying to punish God for kicking me out?…. the list goes on.
I’m taking it out of the context of “homelessness and generalizing it to everything as best as I am able. This might get rambly.
–Am I trying to punish God?– In a word; YES!
After I wrote that at the tavern it stuck with me. I had never really thought about it like this before. In the past I have raged against God. Why have you done this to me!!!?? What did I do that was so terribly wrong?!?!!! Why don’t any of your rules make any sense!!?? Why do you keep changing the rules??? Fuck you this world SUCKS!!!! I could make a better world than this!!!
[Oh now the fear comes up and all the stuff that was flowing so freely a minute ago vanished. The clarity is gone. I’m writing it all out because when I used to journal if it disappeared sometimes I could get it flowing again if I just wrote about the stoppage. the fear of sharing my crazyness and of being rejected oh my can’t say these ugly things….]
Yes, and I have tried to get God to feel guilty for treating me so mean. And I have pointed to all the other people out there as supporting evidence for how mean and stupid God is and it helps me not feel so alone that I’m not the only one that God treats so unkindly and sometimes I can feel lucky that God didn’t treat me as awful as someone else.
I want God to feel bad because I feel bad. I want God to feel sorry for me because I feel sorry for me. I want God to fix it because He broke it. I don’t want God to send His “Only Begotten Son” to fix it because that’s a cop out and shirking His own responsibility sending in someone that had nothing to do with it to fix it. (just more evidence of how mean God is)
This still seems about as clear as mud. Before I started writing I had two clear Aha’s that were “woven” into the rant that are gone now.
Obviously I still have a bunch of forgiveness work to do in my relationship with God.
Pam – You are very articulate, (even though you say “clear as mud” is how it feels to you.
Quite a struggle to work through that mud, but eventually the Aha’s do emerge. Sometimes too long (:
but hopefully, sooner rather than later.
PAM! Keep it flowing, babe. Okay, we might have to modify the language a bit for a general public audience, but the thoughts are really honest and right on the mark. We absolutely cannot get closer to God, to Love, to Jesus, while we are sweeping all that stuff under the carpet and pretending to be good little people. There’s an ocean of hatefulness within each of us and the true beauty of it all – that’s okay. Love waits quietly and kindly by our side, holding our hand while we rant and the tears of hate and regret and frustration stream down our face. It’s true, this world doesn’t work, and we don’t work within it. Our lives don’t work, they’re not really happy. And we just can’t make the whole thing look good forever. The pretense collapses at a certain point. And we know that we have no choice, we have to find something else within us which is not this hatefulness and self-condemnation. Because ultimately our hate of God is actually our hate of ourselves. Underneath our hate of God is our true love of Him, and of Jesus who represents His Love for us. The only way for us to rejoin with our love is to fully understand our hate.
I love moments like this at the Village. Thanks.
Amazing honesty Pam.
I wrote yesterday that I honestly was looking forward to a day off work. I went for a run with the dog right afterwards and I was pondering my attitude towards work. On one hand I’m grateful for the money I earn and on the other hand I think poor me I’ve been working for 35 years (minus a few years for travelling and having babies) and have to work another 10 years. Then I thought that if I would have been a stay at home Mom I still would have felt like a victim(I’m not very housewifey) and if I would have a physical or mental disability I would still have felt like a victim. I could not actually think of a scenerio where I did not feel like a victim. So I’m obviously still very attached to my belief of victimhood. Occasionally I have a moment of clarity where I KNOW that it’s not about the job but those are fleeting.
The fantasy is of rescue. Ultimately I think that God should rescue me.
“It’s not my fault!” is the cry of the victim. Yesterday I felt lighthearted and could sense the silliness of it. Today, if God is not around how about Jesus? I want somehow to be zapped of the darkness and left with the light.
Damm the process and baby steps. (somehow writing all this out has left me feeling lighter especially the last sentence.)
Hey all, When I wrote the above I was feeling not angry, maybe “neutral” and then what prompted me to write was the insights that then “disappeared” but I was still feeling peaceful in contrast to the last week where I had been feeling low level aggitation that went full blown “kill” the messenger; screaming at J OK here I am and I’m ANGRY I’m handing it over to you! wait…wait…Hey I’m still Pissed ARRGGG this ain’t working and then proceded to tell him what he could do with his stupid Course whilst pounding my fists on the book.
Then after calming down finding all kinds of stuff and fears and the like and then getting the clarity and just like right now there was something but as I write it getts all fuzzy again; it’s like I’m standing in the doorway and I gett the “courage” to look through the doorway and it looks good and yet I freak and step back away from the door. Like if I don’t write it out for all of you to see it can stay “in my head” and I don’t have to take IT “serious” and thus I don’t have to Change anything but if i genuinely express what I’m “seeing” and share it with all of you then there is Not anyway I could Not take IT “serious” and IT would change everything forever with no going back.
excuse me I need a lot of klenexx now…..
Bev – agree – “Damn the process and the baby steps” !! (:
Pam – I’m envious (:. YOu’re now a “true” Course student – Ken has apparently said that until you hate the Course, you’re not really getting the Course, or some such thing.
As for me – I still think I love the course, but most likely I’m a bliss-ninny (;… so I have a long way to get to where you are (:
Take care, all —
love,
a
Pam,I am so grateful to read everything you write now – like you are opening a door for us all. I feel relieved. Thank God it’s just a dream. Thank God that He is not the ego’s god, and that I never have moved away from him – I only believe I have.
I love you!
hugs to all
Nina
Pam-as far as trying to describe the undescribable I sense you are as close as it gets. Like all the others I thank you for your honesty.
Keep the Faith Sister (:
hi again Pam –
Check out Alexander Marchand – the guy who did the “Universe is a Dream” comics. His latest blog entry – “Paradox of a Forgiveness Diary” had me thinking of you – in re: 457 and 461.
toots.
a
oh boy this has been a great read… the best part is just the ambiance of togetherness and the honesty and humility of all here….
Pam-fabulous – language and all! I have felt and can still feel at times exactly as you. I rant, rave and swear like you too.
It has been instrumental in my developing trust in J/HS – Who can take the rants, raves, language, all of it. I say, and I would bet anything Ken would say you get an A+! Bravo!
I’m going up for cocktail hour and will toast you, my friend – and all of us!
“Jesus doesn’t need us to tell him how much we love him. He needs us to tell us how much we hate him.” ~Ken Wapnick
Love Gratitude and hi to all,
m
Thanks Pam for both your posts!!! So honest, and so well articulated, I almost listen you saying all this, I almost touched your words, that so well pictured my feelings and, I think, the feelings of us all. Thanks again!!!
And really enjoyed reading all the responses as well.
Lots of hugs to you all,
Lisi
Pam…I have this often too, this feeling of being SDO close to something, and then there’s only fog. I realize at those points that it is resistance, and have noticed that when i manage to to just rest there at that point, without wanting to barge through – not resisting the resistance, in other words – it is a wonderful place to be! I almost never see that as long as i seem to be in the middle of it – but just noticing is not bad, either!
Much appreciation for this safe to get down to the nitty-grittyness of it all place. I am trusting the process more and it helps to get it out where it can be seen and looked at more clearly and then to have the thoughtful feed back and support that makes it so much better than journaling in a private notebook,for me anyway.
So many new points for me to ponder and old points to ponder in new ways.
a* thanks for the info on Alexander’s blog-I finally figured out he “hid” it under the archive button. I had been there when Nina mentioned him but had missed the blog part.
Bev, I can add one to the work/not work scenarios re.#460,it’s part of what triggered this latest round of looking off for me. My being on disabilty with very little money and then thinking about** What if I have one of those “Spontaneous remissions” one hears about…Oh that would be great the looks on the doctors face’s(they don’t expect the cancer to get out of my bones) what a great symbol of the non-reality of things…Oh shit I’d have to go back to work OH MY GOD! I’m totally broke how would I start my business up again? I don’t think I could handle working for anyone else that’s if I could even find a job in this economy etcetera…LOL I saw myself as being victimized by having a healthy body LOL.
Why I started crying at the bottom of 461 I don’t know I didn’t feel sad or happy I think it was simply release.
Which brings me back to gratitude for all of you. I won’t say bless you because it seems to imply a lack of being blessed instead I will say All Of You Are BLESSED it is already a fact!
***wanders over to the Fireside Tavern to raise a toast to all of you and see what there is for nibblies I’m hungry****
{{{Pam}}} First of all….thank you for your honesty. I agree with what a* had to say about you being advanced as a course student to the place where you can name your temporary seeming hate for the trinity of Course, God, and J.
I can only see my hate for the external others here and in myself when I watch my petty annoyances, judgements, and thin veils of hatred. I have resistance to the trinity I see as blameless and the only sane place of refuge…add Ken, Jamie, and some other advanced on the ladder symbols to that collection.
Clearly I have that fear and hate or I wouldn’t be here. I’ve always admired your honesty and how you’ve raised Cory as well. How does he express the holiday of Mother’s Day with you in form and content?
xoxo Michele
This has been one absolutely awesome sharing going on. Record-breaking stuff. This is truly healing honest, especially the way it is being handled. That clear place of observation, one foot close enough to the ego to see it in all its loathesome and loathing glory, and the other foot firmly planted in clarity and the willingness to work this out, to really see what’s going on. That’s just the perfect distance.
If we could all just be willing to brush up that close to the honest hatefulness within us, that tremendous expectation we have that God/Jesus is going to fix this damn mess (that we’re not responsible for, of course!), that inescapable sense that no matter which way things turn out, they just won’t be good – then maybe we can start to get a sense that there just has to be another way. Within this frame of mind (which is all of ours equally) there truly is no hope. We will never be happy: sick, or well. There will always be something wrong that needs fixing.
Yes, what a strange place we have been imagining. And maybe now we can start to see the full extent of this insanity. So, let’s all start to learn why at a certain level we all do truly hate this damn Course! Because it’s telling us we will never be able to make this work. And that’s probably why this Course will never be as popular as the Bible – because everyone is still expecting a book of revelation that tells them how things will work in this life.
While we think we live outside of the Christ/Holy Spirit, it will be impossible to be happy. We will only ever be living in expectation, not truth. How depressing! And then we get to see that all that we were ever looking for was right here in front of us all the time. How wonderful!
I can’t quite express my thoughts right now. But this was really a wonderful sharing. It really touched me and moved me further along. May we all discover our true hate in such a splendid way! And we will reach freedom that much quicker.
Bernard wrote: May we all discover our true hate in such a splendid way! ::chuckle, chuckle:: Seriously, I did appreciate your post, Bernard, and sense that it is so true. I keep trying to think if I did hate the Course – I think at one point I did…..now I don’t feel like I hate the Course but I often hate the way it gets expressed sometimes! :o) But this last sentence (or second to last in your post) sounded almost like a prayer…but certainly not the kind I was raised with – May we all discover our true hate in such a splendid way! — I think that’s a ‘keeper!’
Smile and hugs…
Jean
a*& Michele, Hmmm,Advanced? Not sure about that. I felt like I got “close” maybe could of stepped through the door but then backed off, though maybe not as far back as I started. And if I have “advanced” it is only because all of you have been right here with me on this journey to nowhere so we all advance together. That kinda sounds like that hundredeth monkey thing but it isn’t but the difference is subtle and words are slippery in trying to describe it.
Have you ever watched large water fowl fly in the V formation? One is in the lead, the point of the V. Now that bird isn’t the head honcho bird and the last ones on the end of the sides aren’t the lesser of the other birds in social rank. They fly in a V to break air resistance while flying and what a lot of people don’t know is they trade off being the point bird and the last birds. Why? Because being the Point bird is hard work, it is the one hitting the most resistance first and the last birds get the least. They trade off the hard work and resting while the whole flock advances together.
That is how I see us. We take turns of “doing” the work of exposing the ego lie for what it is and we all advance together.
Michele,re 471, He’s 12 he ignores it. (-;
Until his grandma says “hey should we get this for your mom?” he says “yeah, I guess” then some other time his mom says ‘should we get this for grandma?” and he says “yeah, I guess”(-:
Re Advanced Teachers – hi all…..ok, now I have to share a bit. I have a really difficult time about people deciding who is an ‘advanced’ teacher! In fact, I do believe this is ego pushing his essence into our journeys. I have been out here with Ken….and, yes, I do think he is very wise — he has spent his whole life on this path! We laugh and have really had a very close relationship. But I do see that those that make him so special tend to ‘miss the mark’ in the sense that they want to make someone special ‘out there.’ So…..not to say you can’t enjoy Ken or Jamie or Bernard or Pam or me! But that we have to be careful about stating it all…..because as soon as we put them on that pedestal in our mind – that is the moment we have ‘lost our Source’ – so to speak. So take what you need….and enjoy who can help you — but I think we need to look at who we decide can help us and who can’t – because, honestly, we often limit ourselves by ‘making special.’ Forgive me if I have overstepped my boundaries…..but this has been a continuing forgiveness lesson for me ever since I found this beautiful ‘A Course In Miracles.’ Truthfully – we ought to see the Christ in each of us. Met Melody a couple weeks ago and so enjoyed seeing the Christ in her!
Love,
Jean
Just wrote a rebuttal – because I don’t want to sound like I’m ‘sour grapes’ — I have just had this issue as part of my classroom for a good part of my life! So I suppose you could say I am a bit ‘sensitive’ to it. So enjoy who you see as an ‘advanced teacher’ – I see my dog and cat as advanced teachers. Why? Because they live in the present moment not even ever thinking there is anything but the present moment. They love, love, love and really don’t discriminate about their why or wherefores! When they want to play (particularly the cat) they can be vicious – but still knows just how far to go with his claws….holds me but doesn’t hurt me – even though his actions seem to say differently. It’s all for fun……JEEZ I wish we humans would all be like this. Hey….maybe that is the ‘purpose’ for ‘Animal Kingdom’ winning the horse race!! We could learn a lot from them. Yet, we, as humans, are suppose to be their caretakers! Oops…..time to go out for dinner for ‘Mother’s Day’ — forgive me if I stepped on anyone’s ‘sensitivities’ — but as I said, this has become my ‘sensitivity.’
Love,
Jean
Jean –
Just skimmed through your last two posts. but before i run to start my day, wanted to say i definitely agree with your 476. there is a real possibility that by putting someone else (or ourselves) on a pedestal, as ‘advanced teachers’ that we weaken our connection to ‘Source’.
But perhaps, like Michele says, for many putting some one on a pedestal is merely a symbol of love. and moves them forward on their journey home.
either way, what this whole discussion shows me is how hard it is to have a discussion on these things (: – there’s always the possibility that some one will mis-read what you wrote above, or what I have written here, just like I may have mis-read what many have written before me.
Words being symbols of symbols, and all that jazz… (:
love,
a
Thanks, a* — I so appreciate your words (whether they are symbols and twiced removed or not!) I hate saying these things myself…….but it’s THERE — not sure why or what the symbol of this thought is for…..but it’s THERE —
So thanks for your kindly response to my ‘forgiveness’ lesson!
Jean
Jean, as with Pam, I so appreciate your honesty – and never thought you sounded like “sour grapes!”
I think that words can be very tricky. Speaking for myself, they are very “slippery” for me in attempting to share. Especially on another forum, as I shared with you in Temecula, what started out as neutral, quickly became for me very ego oriented – and gratefully, like everything, I was able to use it as a classroom. (Even while watching myself want to know the most..) 🙂
Your honesty and candor is refreshing – and that’s what it’s all about, I think! Being honest, being willing to look, stepping back from the battleground and back into the mind, outside of time and space where we can make another decision….or watch ourselves not want to. Speaking for myself, as always. 🙂
I agree with you about our precious animals being wonderful teachers for us in their unconditional love and acceptance. I realized that even before the Course, and even more now!
I was so disappointed that I didn’t win the horse race! Lol…..damn…..”comma to the top” would’ve been such a nice “symbol” for me to know *I would get to the top of the metaphoric illusory ladder eventually! You know I’m kidding – kinda! 🙂
Love and Gratitude to you all and for you all,
melody
Kinda like Dobby in Harry Potter I was hitting my head against the wall asking myself why I can’t keep my mouth shut! I do know it’s my issue. I’ve kinda become a ‘loner’ because it seems in every group I have tried to join it always becomes who are the ‘valuable’ ones. And this is usually based on a small group/clique that becomes the norm. This happened in high school — but then in work places and at a Quaker Meeting (and that really became difficult for me because the philosophy didn’t match up with the actions) and then on and on…..even out here in Temecula! I do like people a lot – but then I don’t like them (well, duh! That’s because I have a split mind! And so do they!) And I do look at this stuff…..and maybe it’s because I often/mostly are not part of the ‘in crowd!’ I was watching Ken’s video on Helen yesterday (a gift from a friend) and he was talking about his early days with Helen and Bill and how they would get him aside and talk about the other one! He said he quickly came to see they weren’t really applying the ideas in this beautiful book to their daily lives!
So……it’s my lesson/classroom. Hope it was o.k. I shared it – somehow it feels like if I can share it without being alienated it can lessen it! (but often it does alienate me, and, like Dobby, I still make that mistake and thus, want to hit my head against the wall!!)
Obviously I don’t know anyone on this board very well so it wasn’t meant personally in any way…..just ‘ghosts’ from the past…….
Jean
Jean – speaking for myself, all is well (: – but i guess you already know that from my earlier post on the subject !! (:
Beating ourselves up for things is what we do so often, and I do hope you pull yourself away from the wall before long (: — yes, the in crowd/out crowd thing is a terrible feeling, and hopefully we all in this Village make you feel welcome ? (i always felt that in high school too, even though a couple of memebers of the in-crowd befriended me, and kind of granted me semi-cool status (:
I don’t think anyone here really knows anyone else really, except perhaps the group that went to Temecula and got to spend a lot of time with each other.
I feel the more we share of our thoughts, feelings, comments – the more we come closer as a group, and a non-judgemental group at that.
Everything is really just a passing thought, and only the Thoughts we think with God have any real meaning. Somehow that resonates for me – and even as I write it out, I think it’s Funny that I should quote that here, when I’m not even sure if I believe in a God (:
Trust I’m not rambling unnecessarily (:, Jean (and everyone else) – it has been one of those rollercoaster days internally
(in my li’l external world, everything went on splendidly well, and that’s why the internal rollercoaster and depression was so startlingly odd, since there was no external explanation for it….)
anyway, the contrast gets me one step closer to comprehending that today’s lesson of the day is Spot on – “This world I see holds nothing that I want”.
Well, technically that was yesterday’s lesson (126?) – that’s for you, Bernard, if you’re still wanting one of us to include a pointer to the Lesson of the Day whenever convenient ?), but it’s still resonating somewhere in me mind even today.
Well, this post is all over the map. But so be it (: I will ask your forgiveness now (:
Take care, all.
a
Hi a* and all:
Actually, in High School I was chosen as ‘Queen of the Prom!’ And I think this story is telling of me and my journey, too, because I was almost not on the ‘court’ because there was a discrepancy between whether me or this other gal got more votes (always a controversy with me!) It turned out it was me but she was part of this ‘clique’ of which 3 others were on the court and they wanted her in too! (or so I heard…who knows?) So I felt I got the ‘Queenship’ because the 3 popular girls stole votes from each other (and/or maybe the controversy got me ‘sympathy’ votes?)……and because I was always friendly to all types – even those that might be considered ‘geeks?’ (but who did end up going to the prom and, thus, voting!) – I was chosen. I couldn’t believe it!
So….I suppose this is a story with a message for me – to just be myself – and it will pay off because my (or His) love will shine through. But it STILL bugs me when I think I hear of cliques! I’m ‘sensitized’ to this issue! UGH! (I just mistyped UGH as HUG! So maybe that is what I really want!) Maybe this is a play on it not being enough to be ‘liked’ – I want to be ‘loved’ – or I want the ‘special favor’ I think others are getting! So thanks all for letting me look at this So silly of me.
Love,
Jean
Jean, after your last post I will post my latest blogpost – it fits right in with the themes we all are talking about it seems:
seeing through dream-phantasms
This morning I had two dreams which illuminated “root-emotions” in this life – and therefore, which turn up to be root-emotions that the ego holds to be essential in upholding a belief in the world as something separate from its Source.
In the first dream, there is a clash between my daughter, then 10-years old, and me. I realize that she has done /said something out of a hidden hate – and I respond by a vicious hate and threats: – “You are no longer my daughter!” When I wake up, I recognize that the hate this “dream-daughter” is showing me, is a hate that I have projected into her from she was born: the hate of being rejected by my mother after a catastrophic group rape when I was 4. This hate was never consciously owned by me before now – and because my daughter in the dream expresses it now, she gives it back to me: “look, this is what you gave me.”
When I own this hatred – the small self’s hate when it believes itself to be “cast out” – I sense a big change in the holdings around the heart. I am laying in bed and welcoming the waves of intense hatred, and knowing it to be nothing at all – and thanking my daughter for carrying this unconsciously for me and telling her that I’ve got it now. Big release, feelings of intense gratitude.
Now wonder she has needed to have so much control. No wonder I have needed the same. And beneath the psychological story of “me” and “her”, there is the original fear and hatred of the ego after the belief in the tiny mad idea of separation. It feels relieving to freely and willingly allow the fear and hate to flow through “me” now: it’s not serious, it’s not a “me” attached to it.
I sense there is something else beckoning to be allowed into awareness too, and invite it to come. I fall asleep again and dream of my late husband Kip, 25 years older and quite a father/dominator-figure in many ways. This time I am aware that he has produced a big show of threats through his special ability as illusionist ( he really was a pioneering illusionist in international European theater in the 50-ies:-) Now, I look up from a huge room into space – and there an enormous monsters floating down to us: Rhinoceri, crocodiles, snakes, and also monsters I never saw. But the thing is, I know they are fake – and yes, there it is again: the knowing that I am dreaming. So I allow them to float down to me – quite close now – and they look very convincing alive, and even move their legs – but I hold out a finger a just push them lightly away: I know they’re just a blown-up phantasm. They float pass me, and I feel so relieved I did not fall for the illusion.
Later, I am in Kip’s arms again, experiencing his vast charisma and attraction – and sense an overwhelming ache of jealousy at the thought that he might be in love with someone else than me.
I wake up in this sensation of jealousy – and know it is the original fear of “being dumped” by God because I was failing in some way. I am aware of how powerful it is to give jealousy our belief as real – it feels all-consuming, as long as I believe in the story about it. No wonder people kill because of it, when they allow it to own them.
I present to Blue all my fears and beliefs presented in the two dreams and ask to have them corrected. It feels wonderful to ask to be corrected – I am SO willing!
re. 483 typo, BIG{{{{{{{{Jean}}}}}}}}(-: So what are you doing hitting your head on my wall for?? (said in a gentle teasing manner)giggle,giggle.
Like Melody I didn’t get a sour grape impression and Like a* I hope you can stop hitting your head on the wall soon. This is the place to open your mouth. I also,appreciate the courage it takes to honestly state what is going on with where you’re at when the fear is you’ll be alienated for it. I was an “outcast” in school and most anything I ever said wasn’t considered “cool”. Even at home my dad had a way of letting me know most of what I said was stupid. So I didn’t share much for a long time. Now I wonder if I share to much sometimes.(-:
re.481 “So……it’s my lesson/classroom. Hope it was o.k. I shared it – somehow it feels like if I can share it without being alienated it can lessen it!”
I find it is scary to share these things but I am finding it is getting easier for me as I hope it will for you too. I have found everyone here does their best not to alienate anyone while at the same time not going into a people-pleasing mode either. And at times it can “look” like someone is being ‘put on a pedestal” or even “put down” with the written word when that really isn’t the case. For me I have to be careful to double check sometimes to see how much my “mood” has colored something.
re.483 “But it STILL bugs me when I think I hear of cliques! I’m ’sensitized’ to this issue!”
I think you’re the “point” bird in the V now (::smile:: re#474) in the classroom of cliques. looking forward to the “book” report. (-:
Hey Nina,the dreams…recognizing the trying to control, reclaiming responsability, knowing the scary,real looking monsters are fake and have no real power- “but I hold out a finger a just push them lightly away”- Cool! Way Cool! Thanks for the reminder.
Wow Nina that was fantastic ! I just loved it xxooxoxox
Jean big fat snuggledy hugs to you darlin’ …You just go ahead and say whatever you like.
a*…..I’ve never met you, but i feel like i know you better than my biological brothers. There is a wonderful sense of intimacy and willingness to let each other in to our heart’s and minds, here at this wonderful Village.
Love to you Bernard, our dear Mayor and love to all xoxoxooxoxoxo
Our ghosts and phantasms sure know how to get our attention. I feel frozen with a mixture of feelings and these honest exchanges are most healing for me. Endless Gratitude to all.
Hi All,
Thanks, Nina for sharing your dreams – it helps to remember we are all this same! I am in a funk right now and so I realize it is coloring my dream! I will be leaving Temecula at the end of June and I don’t know what I was thinking but I must have thought I was going to stay here because there is SO MUCH STUFF to back up to bring home! I did entertain the thought of staying out here – it seemed I wasn’t doing a great job back home with my daughters and they live in such a different generation! They are 15 and 13 (13 year old is here with me in Temecula and 15 year old stayed in NY with Dad – and we all met for holidays and other times thanks to ‘frequent flyer miles’ on American Airlines!) It’s been a good year but it was so, so, needed after my Dad’s death. There was so much conflict for so many years due to step-family stuff — and, although I did ACIM, that didn’t stop the fact that I was dealing – almost in a 3-ring circus of conflictual events – with step here, step there and everyone seeing all the differences and ‘wrongness’ of everyone else!! And when I turned to ACIM groups for help — OY VEY!! (as Ken so affectionately uses!)
So by the time I got to speak to Ken the first time I felt like a pulverized piece of a pathetic puzzle (he also loves alliteration!) But I could put this aside and just be silly (as you might be able to surmise even from this note) Anyway……the point of saying all this is that I just want to share that I am now packing up to leave ‘wonderland’ and return to my ‘pathetic puzzle’ — and it’s hard, although I do want to ‘see it all differently.’ So that is why these things are coming up, I am sure……
Thank you all…..this place is really a wonderful village where it is safe to share. That is a wonderful thing – and by being able to share it almost (not quite or not yet) makes those ‘ghosts’ and ‘fears’ dissipate without evening having to share! It must be the ‘willingness!’ So thank you all again! I appreciate your embracing this relative newcomer!
Peace,
Jean
jean: I felt like a pulverized piece of a pathetic puzzle thanks for that! It’s exactly how i feel today. If I had wine, I would drink a LOT. Feel like a compleeetlely waste on this earth: I do everything wrong, and my new cellphone will not transfer all my photos on it to me PC and I feel so full of hate its ridiculous. Its’ all against me, you see.
—
ah.OK. All I need is to look and smile.
Thank you again for being my real family.
Heck, so much lovely stuff going on here, I’m just soaking it all in. Can’t think of anything ‘advanced’ to add to this discussion, since you’ve said it all! So I’ll take my favorite backseat and let everyone else lead the merry way… Ahh…
I had a lovely mentoring session with Nouk Sanchez,co-author of “Take Me To Truth” yesterday and she shared a forgiveness prayer with me that I want to share with you;
Holy Spirit, Please help me to forgive myself for using ________ to attack myself.
We had been talking about the surgeon I’ve been stuck and angry with and as soon as I got the prayer written down I felt an “expansion” happen and I hadn’t even filled in the blank with his name yet.::smile::
You can fill the blank in with objects or situations as well as people.
have fun with love
Pam…thanks for sharing this all inclusive forgiveness prayer. What I like about it before I even try it is that it brings one back to full circle recognition. Really great you’ve shared such a useful and easy to remember tool from your session with her. I saw her and Tomas in an hr long talk as part of the SF ACIM 3 day conference I went to two years ago. They were one of my favorite presenters. I’m going to pay this gift of yours forward. xox!
Dear Pam – lovely gift indeed. Just reading the line relaxes my mind, my breathing becomes slower, and I settle more easily into a deeper calm.
Such is the ‘magic’ of Spirit, i guess (:.
Thank you, and thank Nouk, for that inspiring prayer. I have already used it several times today, and each time that tad bit more lightness enters my mind, and what a difference just that little sparkle of light makes.
Truly wonderful !
love,
a
ps. Today’s lesson 138 – “Heaven is a choice I must make” is truly beautiful too (at least to me (: just finished reading it even though it’s night time already (;
Lovely, lovely prayer, Pam. This is a very big issue for all of us. Though we might not be aware of it, all of us, without exception, can use this beautiful prayer for our healing. Like A*, I also felt a sigh pass through me as I read it. I guess the right mind is just sitting there in the unconscious and is feeling relieved even as we sit down to read your post.
Beautiful and very helpful Pam. *I’m finding that “less is best” when it comes to words….at least for the moment. 🙂
Love and Gratitude to all,
m
Lovely and really helpful, Pam, just thanks.
Lots of love,
Lisi
I’m glad all of you find the prayer helpful also. Now on day three of using it I have found it “linking” into long forgotten things of my childhood like that strange prayer I found creepy at bedtime – Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the Lord my soul to keep and if I die before I wake I pray the Lord my soul to take.- How many nights I lay awake as a kid afraid to go to sleep because of that one.
Kinda weird (in a good way)that I’m using a prayer to “undo” a previous prayer.
4:04am – the hour of Angels
Stories of devils and children trapped within them
half of their bodies wrapped in stone
trolled into the mountain are they
their faces and hands white as snow
and as cold as
It is familiar in there
safe in the grip of old tired times
with fangs of foul breath
still… you live there
you think, and the stoneheld body aches
into something called morning
and the calm heart says
I will not value what is valueless, for what is valuable belongs to me
Relax my dear – you are dreaming!
How would an Army act in dreams?
Any.Way.At.All!
What is valuable IS you!