Garden
The Quiet Garden of Forgiveness
Love, too, would set a feast before you, on a table covered with a spotless cloth, set in a quiet garden where no sound but singing and a softly joyous whispering is ever heard. T-19.IV.A.16:1
“There is a garden at the foot of this lovely statue with masses and masses of soft white lilies and little paths between to slowly walk and talk with Jesus. There is a fountain nearby and the forever trickling sound of water reminds us to leave the desert of wrong-minded thinking.” (Winnie)
Forgiveness is truly at the heart of the practice of A Course In Miracles. All of us have had moments of shifting our perception of a difficult situation, and finding peace. On this page I offer you the space to tell us about the stories that have stayed in your mind, times when you felt a real change occur in the way you were looking at a problem or upset. Maybe you were encountering aggressiveness in somone, or were being judged and belittled. Perhaps it was a loved one who had left you, or even a pet that had died. Or maybe there was fear, a threat in your life to you or to a loved one. In all these situations, at one time or another you have found peace beyond the pain, release from shame and sadness, and comfort and freedom in their place. There was always a presence there with you, the company of one who loves you and guides you to see differently. If you have had moments of finding that clear presence, please share it with us here.
A little more technically speaking, these would be moments when you reversed the projection and saw that the problem was not outside you, but with you, your perceptions and thoughts. A sudden moment of clarity perhaps when you saw that the upset was having pushed Love away, and not really what was happening outside you. Or perhaps it was just a moment when despite the upset or problem, you felt safely accompanied and that helped you remain unaffected by the problem, to get a little distance from it.
Please try to write concisely if your story requires a lot of explaining (and teach me something about brevity!). Also, please try to share from the heart and not from the head. It is always nice to hear the simple sincerity behind these inspiring stories.
A quick note of thanks to everyone for your thoughts and prayers. Have been mostly sleeping. Blessings for all of you.
I don’t have much time or space these days to do any journaling – it’s summer and we have family over! I’ll get to doing an entry when I can. Thinking of you all, hugs, B.
Forgive, forgive, forgive. Blah,blah, blah. I am so not in a forgive place. I feel like crap and the poor me dirge is blasting loud and clear alternating with the growls, howls of bitchyness and it’s all that stupid surgons fault for not explaining enough of the nerve damage asspects and my stupid fault for not questioning more and did I really listen to spirit or was that the ego that was talking so sweet and if I’m really doing this to myself why the EEFFing can’t I stop……….crying and crying and crying……. The forgive don’t work the pills don’t work the reike don’t work the tat don’t ect,ect,ect……….
{{{{Pam}}}} Love you so much. Lisi
{{{Pam}}}
It sucks.
Saying a prayer for Fortitude.
Pam, my sweet, sending you the biggest hug imaginable. Breathe, just breathe. Sometimes that’s all we can do. And let it come, and let it out. Just sit there and be with it. I think Nina has some good techniques for this. Then after a while, sometimes a long while, sometimes after a few tries, the breathing becomes a little more regular and slows down. Then just sit there with a slower, calmer breath. And try to feel, however vaguely that might be, that in some strange, obscure and perhaps unfindable place, in some mysterious way, all is still well. Somewhere all is still well and in order. All is in its own rightful, correct place, doing its thing in its own rightful and correct way, despite the absolutely crappy way it looks like things are going.
You’re doing really well, because that’s the best you’re doing, and that’s absolutely good enough. Just check out some Byron Katie on youtube to see that it’s really okay if things don’t work out here, and sometimes they just don’t. Somewhere, somehow they’re still working out in some bizarre way. And you’re doin’ good, real good. Thanks for being you, and thanks for letting us be with you. Many huge hugs, Bernard.
And dear {{{Pam}}}, maybe wrap your arms around yourself as if you were your most precious child. For me at least, when i am in this whirlstormchaos that you describe so graphically, I need to hear from someone(and that will be me) that “just in this situation, I love you very much.” My most repeated error i n these situations is that I beat myself up for feeling crappy, and telling myself that this is not the correct way of dealing with stuff, course-wise – while Jesus stands patiently at the side, waiting for me to allow being hugged. Sometimes when i do hug myself I really feel that my arms are His arms.
If also is helpful for me to know that the one who is ranting and raving is a very distressed part of me – and like all distressed parts/people, they need to be heard. So I let “them” speak and cry and blame and all those things – and the “I” who is listening is not merging with that part any longer, but just saying back ” I really hear you are angry” and so on.
For me, this is the “all is OK-part” Bernard is talking about: part of me stays in Presence, and I am that.
And forgiveness is just that, isn’t it – being with the grief with compassion and kindness – letting it all come out, without judging it.
I love you so much!
Nina
Thank you Annie and Lisi for the candles at the monestary and your thoughts here. Also Bernard and Nina. It took me 20 minutes or so this morning to read it all. Read a sentence then cry a bunch then repeat. So much gunk being washed away. I so appreciate having this place where I/we can say and be where we are at even if it ain’t pretty and all of you are here for loving support.
Pam, gunk washin’ is what we’re all here for. And if it isn’t your turn today, it’ll be mine, or someone else’s. So, here’s to GUNK and our gentle observation of its movement in our lives, its coming and going in waves, and slow, slow dissipation back to the nowhere land it belongs.
Pam I just finished restocking supplies in the forgiveness room ….boxes of tissues in each corner, water, candy, chocolates and all things sugary….especially lollies from down under.
I think we should come together tonight and stomp along with the drummers that are in town…they are very generous with letting us do solos.
Let us release and if we need more room we can dance under the stars in circles, holding hands, allowing the bon fire to dry the tears away. It’s a perfect night to do so.
I was thinking that you can just hit the keys in whatever way feels right and submit it anyways just so we can be with you when those moments arise. Here let me start….
kjas;dgufouae;wkjt xb;luvjaojegou awoeiug oxbcv ka eksfhoawegoausjkdgnv;aish docbv;ikuaj;egasoiudjf;oaishjdijds;lfj;oawiek dfoiaesfiwjoeivn nkwkehg;hask;sdgvnkjnaksgnvanwksdvkzknxkvknseidghvneo;sngdvk wkjshdfnvwkshjdencjshndfjkhnszkdjxhcvkjwshdfckhweshd
and then!!!!!!!!
lksajseodfua;owieutfgoawuej;ogihv;awks dviwherhwierfiuwahgvbjabnkisekfjnialwjhefbva ergnv
that asshole!!!!!!!
ajdfjjfldj;aiwejf;ojaw;oejgfo;ajeo;grjvaoieskgfdj;oaesjgo;ijs;ojkgr;ijsvdzofjdfgjkvsjdfkbms’opdfjlbidjkfmxvcojsmdfcvxjklmgfdbcjxlkngarsdfbjklwgrsdvuojpklgwsdvjklgsdvupjiklwgrdsuv9pjogwklsdu9vpjowgesdvu9pjowgsdvpcujogkl;rsfbu9cpjo;gklrwsfdby8hiolkertdfgb9yupihwtrgsdfu9pjowtegrds9yuphi;twegkrdsvu09[jo;lwgrsdfbu0c[jop;t24egqwaduv9-ypho;w4geabdsu-z9p[joh;geqwadvb9ujo;nwegradsbvjo0[‘lmwgrhbfsy9hpin;t24egwaduv9-phijo;
Amen!
Is this the happening place, or what, my Brothers and Sisters?
blahblahblobblogblingbiddleybanksbahbahblacksheep…
đ How’s that for my contribunal?
Oh Annie thanks for coming over from the fireside to restock. The random key strokes so look like how I have been feeling and acting. It looks so silly I actually smiled, thanks.
Hugs to my friend Pam. Sleep well tonight.
Annie – that’s it, you nailed it just right when you said (I paraphrase poorly, but here goes): “ajdfjjfldj;aiwejf;ojaw;oejgfo;ajeo;grjvaoieskgfdj;oaesjgo;ijs;ojkgr;ijsvdzofjdfgjkvsjdfkbmsâopdfjlbidjkfmxvcojsmdfcvxjklmgfdbcjxlkngarsdfbjklwgrsdvuojpklgwsdvjklgsdvupjiklwgrdsuv9pjogwklsdu9vpjowgesdvu9pjowgsdvpcujogkl;rsfbu9cpjo;gklrwsfdby8hiolkertdfgb9yupihwtrgsdfu9pjowtegrds9yuphi;twegkrdsvu09[jo;lwgrsdfbu0c[jop;t24egqwaduv9-ypho;w4geabdsu-z9p[joh;geqwadvb9ujo;nwegradsbvjo0[âlmwgrhbfsy9hpin;t24egwaduv9-phijo;”
That’s exactly the way I felt the other day. Mr E was spilling this stuff all over the place and no matter how hard he tried to make it make sense, it just didn’t. Blahblahblah… That’s when it started to get a little better, when I saw him at his game. HAH!! Got ye. And I had fallen for it, making all this stuff so freakin’ important. Like last night. We had the last of our summer visitors over (family of five) and they’re lovely, but even so just because of the way we can think things should go, there’s always the possibility of thinking something isn’t being done the way you think it should be. Or someone isn’t preparing the way you think needs to be done, or pitching in, and you feel like you’re doing more than your fair share (loooove that trap!), or you can’t believe that parents can… etc, etc.
So I says to meself, you gotta work through this one like with J and all, instead o’ pretendin’ you know all this stuff, you betta wok yor tok. And then BOOOOOOM! It hits me that I is the one who thunk he did all this stuff to the big guy with the white beard ‘n all. I mean, I is the won who feels he ain’t been recognizin’ and appreshativ of Him, I is he who like didn’ pitch in and fix the big booboo when nuthin really happen’d. I thinks they should be doin’ more only cuz I think there’s this big heapin’ problem that has ta be fix and all, when there isn’t no problem at all, and they all relaxed and wonderin’ why I’m stressin.
And suddenly doing the dishes (by hand – no dishwasher – looooots o’ dishes for a month now), I felt light as a little feather. There wasn’t really any problem with anything, truly. I was not fighting a battle with anyone else except some phantoms in my mind. I kept trying to fix the outside, kept wanting things to be more organized, to stay on target according to the timing we had worked out, (so Mars oriented, this man!). I was living the concept that there was something to fix or do in order to… (fill in the blank). In order for things to be better… of course.
But things already were better! I was just busy insisting they weren’t because it helped this little portion of separated Sonship continue feeling like an individual – like a ‘me’ because I have issues and there’s a problem still to fix. There’s some tension to resolve, and this time around it took the form of guests to organize, feed, entertain, keep on target… (I don’t want to give the impression that I stress my guests out or anything, I’m actually pretty relaxed, but when the plan changes every quarter hour and I’m not informed, I can still take it poorly when someone says I’m not chipping in like I should, even though I hadn’t stopped for days. I had just taken a quarter hour to… visit the Village! And someone spotted me at the computer (okay, it was Pat) and said I wasn’t fitting in). But we’ve laughed about all that now, our guests had a fabulous time, we’re all relaxed again, and preparing for a quiet Sunday with fabulous weather here with temps around 28° C (82°F).
Annie, thanks for the goodies here in this great room. And thanks for clearing the air about speling erors. Sometimes I just needs to make lots of misstakes and no it’s always, always, always okay to make lots of mistakes, coz Love is still there for me, even when I’m very silly.
RE: #161 Is that my friend Texas? Sweet!!!!
Anne you have been soooooooooo missed. Did you come in to join us in our jibberish talk?
Need one of your Haikus to get us focused…ok we can wait. But in the mean time look at you all white and curious Is that a ferret or an ermine as your gravatar? I’m so excited the right questions aren’t even coming to me. Let me stop and just say welcome, welcome, welcome!
There once was a sister from asdfjkl;
Wait, that’s not a hiaku!
Glad to see ya’ll –
I didn’t want to miss any more of the fun!
Bernard buddy entertaining, feeding and cleaning up after egos can be exhausting. Especially when they come in waves (how do I get on your guest list?)
It is tempting to hang in this virtual room. I can clean a room like Bewitched with just the twitch of my nose. I can entertain, comfort and sing beautifully here. I admit it …its so much easier to think it then physically do it. I guess we as mind thought it would be cool to go 3D. It’s effin brutual in 3D! I know there are a thousand manuals out there to read that can tell me how to play the game better, faster, with more pleasure. Make’s me just want to scream at the top of my virtual/digital lungs here and say get me off this planet!!!!
Everytime I feel that panic set in I must admit I find myself all alone having pushed everyone I love aside saying I can do this by myself! We really can’t get off this planet by ourselves. It’s one for all and all for one. So my question remains who do I complain to…I mean, I get you are all exactly where you are suppose to be but I was given an incorrect script to follow. I’m sure there was a mix up up there!
Will sit here righteously waiting for an apology…(at least I’m in the right room until I get into my right mind)
Ahh girlfriend you are Wicked!
Welcome home Dorothy!
Hugs Annie
OMG
I thought the little weasel was cute, but “Wicked” suits me better!
Hi, everybody!
It takes me awhile to compose my thoughts and I find it interesting that I was referencing Bewitched and you showed up in your Wicked costume as your next gravatar…now that is syncronicity or just plan spooky. I’m not scared…I’m loving it!
A weasel of course…I’m a city girl and I don’t know my critters!
Typing in the dark of my bedroom…had a dream I was in court (I was Winnie’s lawyer) left all my papers at home completely unprepared to defend her properly. She wasn’t worried. Doesn’t that sound like Winnie! I felt so bad I had to wake up. So here I am typing on me laptop and I find you Anne. Ahh the 3D stuff can be fun too.
BTW you look awesome Anne green face and all!
Off to make my morning brew. It’s gonna be a good day.
Annie
I just found the name: “ermine”
Dang it – I’m a city gal, too.
And I almost called it a long skinny rat.
But yeah…I posted that at the same time.
So it stands to reason, that I was meant to be here!
I love the musical “Wicked” soooo much…
It saved me! It’s such a perfect fit in our little story.
Someone could to a whole ACIM blog just on Wicked.
Have a cuppa Joe for me!
Anne, I’m a farm girl and long skinny rat is what I would call a weasel. And ermine is just a fancy name fer the critter so all the high falutin’ rich folk would buy clothing made outa’ it’s fur.
Just imageine a 1920’s or30’s rockefeller type going “Oooh Darling, I just have to have that long skinny rat stole and gloves for the Mayors ball tonight.”
BIG HUGS {{{{{Tex}}}}} glad to see ya!
Now this is Forgiveness. you guys got me to smiling and laughing again thanks for reminding me to loosen-up and “loose the world from what I thought it was.” and remember “In gentle laughter does the Holy Spirit preceive the cause, and looks not to effects. How else could He correct your error, who have overlooked the cause entirely? He bids you bring each terrible effect to him that you may look together on its foolish cause and laugh with Him a while. You judge effects but He has judged their cause. And by His judgement are effects removed.Perhaps you came in tears. But hear Him say, “My brother, holy Son of God, behold your idle dream, in which this could occur.” And you will leave the holy instant with your laughter and your brothers joined with his.”
Do you think maybe we all just took one more step up the ladder?
Anne, re.#173 if you blog it I’ll read it.
I also didn’t want to be represented (virtually) by a long, skinny rat.
No matter how cute.
Somethings just have to change for the better.
What was I thinking?!
(You don’t have to answer – we already know what I was thinking!)
O.K. Here goes my attempt to write about Pam’s ego misadventures with having a mastectomy saga moved here from the fireside. It just seems more appropriate for me to talk about it here since I bet this gets kinda long recounting a months worth of stuff and this feels like a “BIG” forgiveness lesson.
Are you really sure you want to hear this? Am I really sure I want to write this?? Oh well….
Before the surgery I’m feeling O.K. with everything. Afterwards not O.K. with much of anything. Doubts, doubts and more doubts about wheather or not I made the right decision to have the mastecomy. Major regrets about having it. Everything feels so incredibly ICKKY in the surgery area. But kept saying don’t worry it will be better next week for several weeks in a row. It’s not better. So wish I would of gone against the advice of the surgeon and insisted on just a lumpectomy inspite of the lump being cancerous.
But before the surgery I felt O.K. with this. I was peaceful and calm. Wasn’t that me being with HS? I thought it was but now with ICKKY feelings I don’t know maybe I was wrong and I was with the ego and I duped myself into having the surgery as a way of crucifying myself for…..
Also evening before surgery I get a phone call from surgeon saying that my oncologist wants me to start chemo and that he can put the port in tomorrow morning also or it can wait until later. I say later because I haven’t had a chance to talk to my Oncologist about it.
From day one(over a year ago) I have just known that I am not going to do the heavy duty chemo and that is still how I feel no issue on my part. But oral chemo. had been mentioned by another doctor as not being quite as hard on the body and I didn’t know much about it so as I talked to my current Onco. doctor about it and I relunctantly agreed to take it but would have to wait 2 more weeks for the incision to heal before starting it.
Within a couple of days though I had changed my mind and don’t want to take it either but am still O.K. with the new hormone therapy and radiation that was discussed.
But now I am ahead of the story with the surgeon so…
My surgeon left on vacation the day after my surgery (surgery was July 2nd) so I went to another surgeon on the seventh day to have him check the incision and remove the drain tubes if need be. When he removed the tape on the dressings he was very gentle but it still made me cringe with the ICKKY sensations it produced but it wasn’t too bad and I didn’t think much about it.
On day 10 I saw my surgeon and he grabbed the tape on the dressing and just pulled and I gasped very loudly and shuddered. He just looked at me and didn’t say anything and pulled again and not more gently. I gasped again and my hands automatically flew up and pushed his hands out of the way and I said while feeling slightly woosie “May I do that please?” he just nodded that I could and looked in my chart while I took the tape off. I was telling him about how weird the sensations were but he said nothing about them and changed the subject.
Thank God he had used the new dissolvable staples to close the wound with cause I can’t imagine how it would of went if he would of had to pull regular stiches or staples out if just pulling tape off was that bad.
He said everything looked O.K. and had me come back in a week. And so I did. And so he started poking with his fingers in the surgery area and once again I gasped and grimmiced and made all those e,e,e sounds of distress through gritted teeth that one makes when one is trying to be quite instead of crying out loud while he was doing it. Just for him to respond with “Oh come on it’s been over 2 weeks since the surgery! You can’t still be having pain! With me responding that “This isn’t pain. I don’t know what this is but it is the most god aweful sensations I have ever felt in my life. It’s like the physical equivalent of fingernails on a chalkboard or chewing on aluminim foil times 10. I wish it was what I would call real pain I could probably deal with it much better!”
Then he looked at me as if I was from some other planet and said that the incision had healed and I didn’t need to come back and then he walked out the door.
As I told this to a friend here, her opinion was that it sounds like the surgeon is mad at me and is punishing me. Why? Haven’t a clue. But I was having those same thoughts but hadn’t said so to anyone yet. This is also the same surgeon that did my mom’s mastectomy 15 years ago. She didn’t have any problems with him. Go figure. This is why I choose him over the other two surgeons in town. Plus he’s a certified breast care specialist.Fer what ever thats worth.
The next day I had my first meeting with the oncologist since the surgery. (it is now 18 days later,and the ‘ahead of the story’, part above) The first thing she asked me was how I was doing and so I told her about all the ICKKY sensations and how it was hard to describe them. She immediatly put a name on it, Something, something neuropathy, and wrote out a prescription for some pills without batting an eye.
Now I connect the dots and start to get mad at the surgeon. I also start having doubts about my ability to decide what to do and am I listening to the right mind or the wrong mind? Am I being passive suicidal by turning down the chemo or am I refusing to punish myself with nasty drugs or am I punishing myself by refusing to take the drugs or….but none of this is real so it doesn’t matter…. but, yes, it does matter…I don’t want to make the wrong choice and stay stuck here….There is no right or wrong on the level of spirit…..I WANT OUT ASAP!!!…OMG by wanting out so intensly I just made myself stuck by making this shit real…. just be normal… just what IS normal anyway at this point….ARRRGG….. round and round I go, spinning out of control, where will I land on the battle field nobody knows but I am for sure not above it at this point.
Crash landing imminent.
I go to Lincoln and visit friends that help me get through the suicide, take chemo don’t take chemo stumbling blocks.
Nina I would share these conversations because you asked me to by the fireside awhile back but I can’t remember any of the details of the conversations at this time. Sorry.
So last week I can feel it building,the anger. I’ve only got about 3/4 of my range of motion back in my arm. To much excersising causes the nerve damage(neuropathy)sensations to flare up. So far the gabapentin pills only kinda sorta take the edge off and we had to back off on the dosage cause what we started at,which isn’t the maximum either,made me so stoned I couldn’t function for 8.5 hours and my lips and cheeks and fingers went numb and it wasn’t even a fun high rats! Laying on the radiation table for a little over an hour with my arm over my head as best as possible while the techs. did their alignments of the machine as fast as they were able and apologising to me cause they knew I was in “pain”. The techs draw on you with black magic markers and in the most ICKKY zones I have I can’t even put enough pressure with an alcohol soaked cotton ball to get the ink off…….. I can’t relax my arm against my side when standing or even worse walking because the pressure of my arm on my side makes the “pain” shoot beyond tolerance in about a minute. I always have my hand on my hip or thumb hooked into my pocket or belt loop so my arm makes a triangle like this I> to my side……
Houston, the EGO has landed, repeat the EGO has landed. KA-BOOM!!!!!!
I have had a short meltdown (only lasted 2-3 minutes) over getting the wrong size inner tube for Cory’s bike. Beat myself up over being such a stupid idiot. Had the correct size in hand several times while reading info on boxes to find the puncture resistant ones. Also wonder why I’m being so upset over such a small thing.
Then a couple hours later my Mom stops by and I can’t remember what was said that triggered it but I exploded on a rant and a half about how I hate the F—ing surgeon and how I was so stupid for having the mastectomy and I’m going on and on and on with all kinds of charecter assanations and several minutes later I peak with skreeching about how I want to grab him by the gonads and castrate him with my fingernails so he can have f—ing neuropathy “pain” also because there is no f—ing way he couldn’t of known what was wrong with me and he should of been the one getting me some pills for it. The whole time I am walking circles through the house.(Old farm house, kitchen into bedroom though bedroom to second door into living room, through living room to another second doorway back into kitchen through kitchen back to bedroom.) I hate him-turn it around- I hate myself… If I am doing this to myself why can’t I stop????? Help… Help… Help me J…. Help…. Ahh shit….. finally stop walking sit down at kitchen table. My mom has started doing my dishes. I tell her she doesn’t need to do them she doesn’t say anything. Cory comes up to me and says he is sorry I feel so rotton and do I need a hug? I say yes and then I cry and cry and cry. My mom gets done with the dishes and I say I’m sorry I had the meltdown and she says that at least I didn’t have it in public and then she went home.
The rest of the night I just kept on asking for help to heal my mind and clarity until I went to bed and passed out.
Holy Spirit Please take what I have written here and have it serve the purpose of helping us heal the mind and undo the ego thought system and return to our true home.
That was a big step for you Pam to expose and release this anger. It is safe here, it is ok to do it in public.
Ahh that Cory is a blessing! It sounded like your release was not only your personal anger but the anger that has not known how to release itself for many generations. Cory was with you in present time. From my perspective that was the miracle.You just established new groundrules and released your son from carrying on the belief that suffering should be silent and carried alone.
Prior to coming here I received this in my email this morning. I feel moved to leave it here.
It is just your inner wisdom taking you to the places and people who’s energies will serve you that much better. You are divinely guided.
Allow it and just let it flow
Pam, read through all of that. BIG HUG!!! Just want to write what came up for me.Feel free to leave it or take it.
I think in society (read ego thought system which we believe is true and right) mistakes are not allowed. if we make them, we are stupid and should have known better. It’s like I hear you attacking yourself because YOU must have made a mistake here, and if you find what you did wrong, you might avoid this pain another time…could i be right?
but of course, what we dont remember is that this is your script honey, the faults are inside, what you need is a hug and love ( which Cory saw and gave you)
so this love you could also give big time to yourself, when you think about it – you soo need it now – and it is possible that when you stop the self-attack, you might calm enough down to really hear Jesus as your side, waiting to hug you and calm you… and the decisions would come from a good place, wouldnt they.
I am of course writing from my own experience.
From an outside witness to your story I can see that you are one place, and the surgeon another – possibly sensing that he has been to violent with you and trying to hide his embarrassment – simply not getting your explanation. I think what went on inside you is the cry for sympathy for your pain, and somebody who should be responsible for giving that to you.
And i think it is excruciatingly scary to admit for surgeons that they might have done bad handiwork – much easier then to look at the strange patient. I say this as a year-long fan of E.R series. Just a case of poor communications – I think – and I reacted like you, when it happened to me.
Just writing this to possibly help you see that your self-blame should be stopped, because it is hurting you. Truth is, you are in no position to decide anything as long as fear is so strong – and cancer-patients are doctrined to BE so scared for gossake.
Just seeing which whirlwhindchaotic place you are in now might make it more acceptable to yourself that you can’t make great decisions. So what might help would be to sit yourself down and allow yourself to breathe and pretend you have jesus’arms around you. What has helped be very much in such situations is in fact to pretend I speak to jesus and just allow “his” words to come out of my own mouth.
I love you til the cows come home and much much longer
{{{{Annie, Nina, Bernard}}}}} It helped to write it out and to get feed back about it. The ego believes in difficulty of levels and the lower the level of importance to the world/ego the more chances you are usally granted to “undo” or fix the mistake and get it right. But the higher the importance the fewer if any second chances are given. Example if you burn a dozen cookies at home you can rebake and reburn quite a few times and no biggie to the world at large but if you are working in the cookie factory and you burn a hundred dozen cookies you might only get 1 or 2 more chances and you’re fired. Now the factory is a mid-level of importance to the world/ego. Now you can get a higher mid-level(even levels have levels)and it gets closer to the body. If you burn down the house or totally wreck your car. It gets much harder to “undo”(fix or replace) the damage. Now the highest importance is the body it’s self. Now be very careful. Low level paper cuts and such can be undone and healed no biggie. Broken bones mid-level most of the time will heal but not always resulting in an amputation that cannot be undone. Certian bodily damage from 3rd degree burns or disease such as cancer ie. nerve damage and/or more amputation of body parts. To the highest level of body damage that can’t be undone spinal cord/ paralysis or brain damage. To the ultimate cannot be undone.. Death of the body yours or someone elses.
Why this elaborate set up of low level can undo or fix things to a high level can’t be fixed or undone?
As far as I can see there are several things this does simutainously.
It keeps me thinking that the ultimate seeming highest of high level mistakes that I have ever made, separating (could say amputating) myself from God and supposedly causing him(as well as myself) extreme pain that makes him the ultimate meltdown king out for revenge because it’s my fault and it cannot be undone. Now I’m afraid of myself and God. I think I caused us both lots of pain and if God finds me he will inflict even more pain on me.
Next with the seeming levels I can give myself some consolation with being able to do little things and undo or fix little things on the lowest levels of the world rather easily that don’t require my using my full “God power” because look at the awful thing I did the last time I used my full God power. So I can keep myself somewhat content and distracted and if I do try to attain more(moving up levels) “power” it will come with a heavy price if I make the “wrong” choice again which will also help keep me convinced that the original mistake cannot be undone on the rare moments I start to think about it.
Ummm I don’t know where to go with that now. My heads fuzzy. I hope that it isn’t gibberish.
Pam, I have been amazed at your ability to fight thru your pain and still post, and so clearly express your feelings and thoughts!
Iâve been quiet during my recovery from surgery â a far less radical one than yours. Still, I was encased in a hard steel shell that had no access to the outer world. It was all pain. I could not hardly move and as Pam said in one of her ponderings a couple weeks ago (I think) — I felt so betrayed by the Dr. for not warning me it was coming. Then I recalled he did use the phrase ‘you will be in considerable discomfort’. LIES!! – I guess that is dr. speak for writhing clamped on pain.
The weirdest thing about that period that was also filled with pain meds (which do not remove pain, only pass you out and into periods of half conscious confusion), was the complete feeling that my belief system was an empty wishfulness. I would notice Jesus’ picture on my wall, and think, well, if you are real, I obviously need help here. And yet I stayed enclosed the REALITY of my steel hard shell of pain. During waking times I would read our Paulo blog and only think that it was interesting (quaint, in fact) that we could band together to make up a belief that cheered us up, but wasn’t true at all. Only pain was the blatant truth.
Then after about 10 days, when the pain started letting up, I began to relate to our Reality again. I thought about the delayed answer to prayer and the way we have to let it in slowly so we have OUR time to believe in and experience our own lack of answers here in our delusion, I guess.
There was a discussion about âUnavailableâ going on and I recalled something from the Q&Aâs about being temporarily unavailable to the atonement — and that was where I was inside the steel shell of pain. I found it in the text (T2,IV,4,5)
âSometimes the illness has a sufficiently stronghold over the mind to render a person temporarily inaccessible to the Atonement.â
Regression to Level Two —
I have been batting around between 4 Drs. – specialist with the chemo, another specialist to look at possible side effects in their body arena, the surgeon in charge of knives and pain, and my GP who I guess is so out of the loop that they arenât accessible to anyone. Apparently, no Dr. comments on anotherâs domain. But I am recognizing the fleeting sideways eye movements when they recognize anotherâs domain, and go completely silent â they donât even tell you to go see that Dr.
I recall my father-in-law, who was a surgeon for 30 years, having chest & leg pains that went on to be bypass surgery. He had his 20 yr surgeon friend do the work. This was about a month before AIDS was discovered, and the blood supply started being tested. He got Hepatitis B from transfusions during surgery. It seemed such an ironic thing for a surgeon. Mom has always said what was hardest for her to take was that the surgeon friend, whom she had considered âan old family friendâ never so much as ever expressed an acknowledgment that anything had gone amiss. Other specialists were in charge of discussing the Hepatitis âtreatmentâ and denouement â classically 5 years to death, and so it was.
Now back to Level One —
{{{Pam}}} carry on till the cows come home. I know your Mom is glad it isnât in public, but we are here to be your public â and we are listening and loving you. While the pain is all around you, and the atonement is temporarily unavailable, we are seeing you as you truly are, not as the Ego world is reflecting. I am so amazed at the strength of your resilient faith, that you can even talk about having faith.
A hundred hugs around you, without actually touching to hurt you â just waiting with you, Love, Katrina
You guys… (sniff, pulls out hankie). You really inspire me. I think I’ll keep going a little longer… Katrina, the number of times I thought this was all just quaint folklore! Pam, you’re an excellent channeller – great stuff. Have to sign off for a day or two… Am taking all your thoughts with me, so I’m surrounded by oceans of Love.
Next with the seeming levels I can give myself some consolation with being able to do little things and undo or fix little things on the lowest levels of the world rather easily that donât require my using my full âGod powerâ because look at the awful thing I did the last time I used my full God power. So I can keep myself somewhat content and distracted and if I do try to attain more(moving up levels) âpowerâ it will come with a heavy price if I make the âwrongâ choice again which will also help keep me convinced that the original mistake cannot be undone on the rare moments I start to think about it.
Ummm I donât know where to go with that now. My heads fuzzy. I hope that it isnât gibberish.
dear Pam – you have found the place where we thought we were dojng something wrong and were guilty.
I think you are so right re “the levels” – as long as we think there ARE levels, we are in ego, trying to have some control not be in touch with the worst fear of all.
And writing this, I remember something Carrie triffet – see her website “Unlikely messenger” wrote on her blog. Maybe it is useful for you know – if not, please forgive me. -This is from “Forgiveness vs denial – the Rogers and Hammerstein version:”
—On the other hand, when A Course in Miracles talks about forgiveness and denial, itâs using denial in a completely different way.
It says: âLook down. See that yawning hole beneath your feet? It isnât real, you know. You made it up. And although youâre tempted right now to be frightened or angry because you believe the monster in that hole is real, youâre completely mistaken.
There is nothing âdown thereâ to get you. There is only one joyous, perfect Self, and youâre it. Look past the illusory image of the hole and its contents, to the loving reality of Heaven.
By choosing to see its Heavenly reality instead of the nightmare story youâve told yourself about it, you are helping to heal your own perception of that hole. And by looking beyond the frightening image of that dark pit to the light beyond it, you help to dissolve the illusory pit itself.
Deny your dark illusions and trust in Heavenâs truth instead. This is the sure path to peace and safety.â
I love that part “Look past the illusory image of the hole and its contents, to the loving reality of Heaven.” Where you seem to be now, and where i too have been caught so many times, is believing any drama is real – and I am training myself to see that whatever crazy form the drama takes, it is still a drama which I made up to run away from Love.
Pain is excellent to keep us here, isn’t it -so real-seeming. The last two days, something has come through to me strongly – and i love practicing it: it is the knowledge that I already have been through this
I am just revieweing it
I ALREADY HAVE FORGIVEN IT đ
The seconds this dawns on me, the pain lessens or go away. And only my beieving any of the old dramathoughts brings it back again. That’s when i have to remind myself that I am invested in being here – and seeing how incredibly silly that is, really helps me.
This time around, we can be there for each other witnessing HOW we come through it. So much to learn. So much to witness. Such an opportunity for sharing kindness.
Thankyou all my beloved friends
Nina
Katrina so good to hear from you and feel your love.
I walk with you my brothers and sisters with deepest love and respect.
Peace be with you,
Annie
Ohhh Katrina BIG HUGS,GENTLE BIG HUGS. I have been thinking about you a lot and was going to shout out today and ask “Where are you and are you O.K.?” and here you are already. Yeah I like how they use words like discomfort, as if this won’t be anything more than wearing a slightly tight pair of shoes. Or “this will pinch a little bit” when they are about to stab you with something huge.
For an update on the nerve damage, I asked at the cancer center yesterday after being nuked and found out that it can take 3-6 months for a nerve cell to regrow 1 inch worth (2.5cm) so it might be up to 1 and 1/2 years before this ickky sensation is gone and that is if it heals sometimes it don’t and there isn’t anyway to know ahead of time. Yippy Skippy! (said sarcasticly)
That is ironic about your father-in-law. Do you think it is because we as a socity have made such an important Idol out of science and doctors are people of science and surgons and specialists are the “high priests” of medical science, seemingly only one step away from being god themselves, that if they fail we get to “crucify” them in a court of law. Thus even at the closeness of family friend (which might make it even more scarey)they are to terrified to say anything?
In one part of my meltdown I said something to that effect screaming, “Well I guess he isn’t the surgeon in shineing armor of freaking nowhere Nebraska after all is he.” There are only 3 surgeons in this town and he is the only one that is a certified breast care specialist.
Anyway pluggin’ along doing my best to get back to my right mind and seeing with spirit sight. luvs and hugs
Nina, You are forgiven and it has nothing to do with the usefulness of the Carrie Triffet information.(-; Which by the way I do find helpful. Plus your take on this:….”and I am training myself to see that whatever crazy form the drama takes, it is still a drama which I made up to run away from Love.
Pain is excellent to keep us here, isnât it -so real-seeming. The last two days, something has come through to me strongly â and i love practicing it: it is the knowledge that I already have been through this
I am just revieweing it
I ALREADY HAVE FORGIVEN IT”
Blessings to all of my sisters
Ya know that above blessing includes all you “boys” also. (-:
I don’t know if I can make this work if not it is Q&A #479 it just seems so perfect for today.
Q #479: Throughout A Course in Miracles, Jesus speaks to us in the first person. Yet in the clarification of terms, Jesus is spoken of in the third person. Who is the party speaking about Jesus?
A: This is merely a stylistic factor that has no bearing on the content of the teaching â it occurs in the manual as well (M.23). It is not actually a second voice. Helen, the scribe, heard only one Voice throughout the dictation. But as the Course itself says, âHelpers are given you in many forms, although upon the altar they are one. Beyond each one there is a Thought of God, and this will never change. But they have names which differ for a time, for time needs symbols, being itself unrealâ (C.5.1:3,4,5).
Ooohhh it worked!!! Thank you all my helpers! Short, sweet and to the point.
Yes, of course, dear Pam (:
My wife says I like chick flicks so much that I’m practically one (: >>> so I can happily count myself among sisters, brothers, whatever !! (:
Glad to see your posts these past few days. Sorry I wasn’t able to write at all. (I wrote a longish message to your original long post, then just as i hit submit, the internet connection went down – i took it as a sign that that particular message was not supposed to reach you. my love is always with you)
Slow journey to the US, with stops in the Middle East, and in London. Finally in NYC now. Feel like going and finding Helen’s apartment, Bill’s apartment, etc – just to imagine them standing there, rushing about the city, and meeting at Columbia Univ Hospital, as they worked through 1965 to 1976 bringing all this material to printed form !! Glad they did (:
Love,
a
Hey Anil, How fun is that? So what’s your favorite chick flick? I don’t watch very many movies of any catagory but mine is one called The Wedding Date. If you’re not familiar it’s a Pretty Woman in the inverse. Woman hires gigolo to pretend to be her boyfriend to go to her sister’s wedding. For me it was funny and thought provoking my favorite combo.
I think we all have had that internet glitch eat our post.
Ahh New York, New York….I hope this is a relaxing vacation for you and not the oxymoron working vacation. (-; HUGS
PamPam (kind of like Winwin (: —-
Is Wedding Date with Katherine Heigl ? (I’ve seen so many of these so-called “chick-flicks” that I can’t remember names sometimes – tend to remember the stars more often (;
I kinda of think this whole categorization doesn’t make sense – which is why when people make fun of my chick-flick tastes, I can easily laugh it off – to me, a movie is either good/well-made/thought-provoking/fun or not !!
that being said, some of my favorites in this ‘category’ are;
*)The Proposal (Sandra Bullock and the new guy – who did a good job)
*)Under the Tuscan Sun (Diane Lane and others)
*)The Secret Lives of Pippa Lee (although I’m not sure that is the same category, but an excellent movie nonetheless)
etc, etc (:
Are you still awake now ? 1 am in NYC, and I’m on a —working vacation– business call with a company in India !! ):
ps. Laura, I owe you a longer post on the Fireside on the whole Kansas City thing !! Will write more later..
Hey Anil you are the only one posting according to the actual “Village Time”. Welcome to America. Hope you had some decent in flight Movies to watch? Would love to do more movie reviews with all my friends here. I never did see “Wedding Date” and I’v never heard of “The Secret Lives of Pippa Lee”, so I shall look forward to renting and chatting about it at some future time. Boy PamPam nailed it on the working vacation thing…hope you don’t get too many interruptions. Looking forward to your longer posts Anil, didn’t think we would hear from you till your return so this was a nice surprise. Then again if its a working vacation you need to balance it out with your gang here at the Village (: Maybe you can take photos if you retrace the steps of Helen and Bill. Actually, would just love to see a photo of you and Shobha.
Have a Great Day everyone.
Annie
Gee Anil I very seldom can remember the names of the actors. Sorry.
Has anyone seen Avatar? I loved the message about the interconnectedness of us all.
Murrill: Yes! Avatar we need to set a date and watch that then come back to the Fireside and have a long chat. I regret I didn’t see that one in the theatre. I really want to see it again because it was soooo well done on so many different levels. I can’t believe that didn’t win the Academy Award for Best Picture that year. I know Nina spoke of it briefly somewhere here on the sight back when it was first released. Like I said I need to see it again to refresh the characters names…I’m embarassed to say that I didn’t give it my full attention. That happens to me sometimes when I watch movies at home…phone rings, I see a layer of dust on the shelf, I find things btwn the sofa cushions (ADD).
The message like you said Murrill is that we really are all interconnected and somehow an animated film was able to represent that better than any “real life” characters. It’s kindof amazing when you think about it.
Hope today is a sweet day for all.
No worries, Pam.
I looked it up on imdb.com (while on the late night 6-person conference call) – it’s with Debra Messing and Delmot Mulroney – like them both (:.
and yes, i have seen it, but i probably will see it again now that you’ve recommended it (i do dimly remember liking it the first time i saw it)
Annie – welcome to ADD Club. Did you know I was the founding president of one chapter of that Club ? (:
Things are crazy in NYC. Will write more later. Have to run now to take Shobha to the doctors. (Nothing serious, but still anxiety-producing none-the-less… lots of “forgiveness” opportunities hourly _____
have to remind myself that it’s not her un-wellness that produces my anxiety… it’s that other tiny, mad idea _____
(:
{{{{Anil & Shobha}}}}
Thanks, Pam.
She’s fast asleep now, as I write this. It’s a case of suspected dengue fever (non-contagious, 2-week long viral fever transmitted by mosquito bites, but I think the doctor thinks that only because he knows we’re coming in from Singapore (where there is dengue))
Tests come back in a week.
As importantly as our situation, hope your medical situation continues to get lighter ?
love,
a
anil,
I work a lot within energy-psychology – the same way acupuncturers work, but without needles – and can teach you a very simple procedure you can do that may work wonders. If so, ask Bernard for my email address.